The past week was full of ups and downs: negative fantasies ballooning up and exploding in my face in the quietest of moments, scarcity mentality devouring my heart and mind like a skin-eating disease, and anxiety that prevented me from wanting to even eat or nurture myself.
However, the moments that were positive and bright carried me out of my wandering darkness.
It has been hard, like, REALLY FUCKING HARD learning how to adjust to sharing your partner’s time & affection, while being supportive of the new love they are giving and receiving. Todd and Kim are definitely in their honeymoon phase, which is glorious (believe me, I know). And I even got to be a part of it.
On Sunday morning we had a threesome, and it was really, really cool. I think the best part of it for me was seeing Todd so turned on and in love and excited at the fact that he was with two people he cared about, while giving pleasure to both of us. Fortunately for Kim and I, we both brought our own sex toys so we were very much taken care of.
At random times during the past week and a half, there was a lot of me feeling partially neglected, left out, and isolated– but I think it was due to how I was thinking about what I felt like I deserved, or what I thought my partners should be providing for me. When Jeremy and I first started seeing each other, we quickly fell into our endorphin-induced love cloud and I was having double the amount of sex, or physical intimacy, that I was used to.
For a while, it was great, even a little too much, but I felt extremely satisfied and excited to have such an abundance of physical intimacy.
Then, as the happy, dreamy feelings began to settle down, the process of leveling out and recognizing where we both stood in reality was another difficult transition. Essentially it was like being on strong amphetamines for a month, feeling as high as a kite, and suddenly crashing but in a subtle, quiet way.
For a few days I was even uncertain if I liked Jeremy anymore, and was even more uncertain if he even wanted to be with me. I was terrified at facing reality after our period of infatuation ended, in fear that we had already burned ourselves out emotionally. I almost convinced myself we were just acting like crazy, lustful teenagers who just wanted to bang, and that’s it.
I found myself in the middle of the great unknown, hand in hand with another human who I barely knew, both of us snapping out of our oxytocin dreams with our respective partners behind us yelling, “GUYS IT’S TIME TO COME BACK!”
The contrast of feeling so high then feeling normal shook me. I felt like I was self-inducing a defense mechanism I hadn’t used since I was in college: a way of numbing myself, tuning into a despondency that would seemingly protect my heart from pain if things were to go south.
I recall a day when I went to meet up with Jeremy and Bobbi at True Love Tattoo in Oakland, as I had agreed to hang out with Jeremy while he was getting inked. I remember meeting up with them, my stomach churning with anxiety, and walking to a nearby Mexican restaurant where I did not order a thing. Eventually I came out with the truth: I was having a hard time processing the stark transition between the phase of infatuation with reality, my every day emotions.
Jeremy told me that he feels grateful that it had even happened.
“An entire month of feeling like you were on drugs!” he said.
I agreed, I felt fortunate and happy it happened, and I didn’t regret a second of it. As I talked to Todd more and more about the depressive feelings I was having after the infatuation period, Todd helped me discern that I was mourning.
Yes, I was straight up mourning the loss of the infatuation period I was experiencing with Jeremy. I cried when I realized the fact, and put it to rest by writing about it in my notebook. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t even expect to feel so intensely for him. We did it to each other.
After my period of infatuation ended, Todd’s began. And Jeremy started to realize that he had to put a lot more energy in feeling productive in his job search, as well as balancing the other people in his life.
So almost at once, the abundance I had became greatly reduced and leveled out among everyone involved. Ironically, I am having less sex now than I ever have been, even with two partners. Which I totally laughed at when I realized that. It’s due to a bunch of things: infatuation period ending, Jeremy’s time split between other important things, Todd spending more time with Kim, and Jeremy and I not having our own living spaces.
I initiated the threesome on Sunday morning because I realized that I needed to solve the problem in a way that didn’t require me to seek out a one-night stand, or an entirely new relationship. And ironically again, the same day the threesome happened was a day Jeremy and I could hang out together, and so I got to have sex twice in the same day. Not complaining at all– all of it was fantastic.