Past & Present: Being an Outcome of Everything That Has Ever Happened To You

The past week was full of ups and downs: negative fantasies ballooning up and exploding in my face in the quietest of moments, scarcity mentality devouring my heart and mind like a skin-eating disease, and anxiety that prevented me from wanting to even eat or nurture myself.

However, the moments that were positive and bright carried me out of my wandering darkness.

It has been hard, like, REALLY FUCKING HARD learning how to adjust to sharing your partner’s time & affection, while being supportive of the new love they are giving and receiving. Todd and Kim are definitely in their honeymoon phase, which is glorious (believe me, I know). And I even got to be a part of it.

On Sunday morning we had a threesome, and it was really, really cool. I think the best part of it for me was seeing Todd so turned on and in love and excited at the fact that he was with two people he cared about, while giving pleasure to both of us. Fortunately for Kim and I, we both brought our own sex toys so we were very much taken care of.

At random times during the past week and a half, there was a lot of me feeling partially neglected, left out, and isolated– but I think it was due to how I was thinking about what I felt like I deserved, or what I thought my partners should be providing for me. When Jeremy and I first started seeing each other, we quickly fell into our endorphin-induced love cloud and I was having double the amount of sex, or physical intimacy, that I was used to.

For a while, it was great, even a little too much, but I felt extremely satisfied and excited to have such an abundance of physical intimacy.

Then, as the happy, dreamy feelings began to settle down, the process of leveling out and recognizing where we both stood in reality was another difficult transition. Essentially it was like being on strong amphetamines for a month, feeling as high as a kite, and suddenly crashing but in a subtle, quiet way.

For a few days I was even uncertain if I liked Jeremy anymore, and was even more uncertain if he even wanted to be with me. I was terrified at facing reality after our period of infatuation ended, in fear that we had already burned ourselves out emotionally. I almost convinced myself we were just acting like crazy, lustful teenagers who just wanted to bang, and that’s it.

I found myself in the middle of the great unknown, hand in hand with another human who I barely knew, both of us snapping out of our oxytocin dreams with our respective partners behind us yelling, “GUYS IT’S TIME TO COME BACK!”

The contrast of feeling so high then feeling normal shook me. I felt like I was self-inducing a defense mechanism I hadn’t used since I was in college: a way of numbing myself, tuning into a despondency that would seemingly protect my heart from pain if things were to go south.

I recall a day when I went to meet up with Jeremy and Bobbi at True Love Tattoo in Oakland, as I had agreed to hang out with Jeremy while he was getting inked. I remember meeting up with them, my stomach churning with anxiety, and walking to a nearby Mexican restaurant where I did not order a thing. Eventually I came out with the truth: I was having a hard time processing the stark transition between the phase of infatuation with reality, my every day emotions.

Jeremy told me that he feels grateful that it had even happened.

“An entire month of feeling like you were on drugs!” he said.

I agreed, I felt fortunate and happy it happened, and I didn’t regret a second of it. As I talked to Todd more and more about the depressive feelings I was having after the infatuation period, Todd helped me discern that I was mourning.

Yes, I was straight up mourning the loss of the infatuation period I was experiencing with Jeremy. I cried when I realized the fact, and put it to rest by writing about it in my notebook. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t even expect to feel so intensely for him. We did it to each other.

After my period of infatuation ended, Todd’s began. And Jeremy started to realize that he had to put a lot more energy in feeling productive in his job search, as well as balancing the other people in his life.

So almost at once, the abundance I had became greatly reduced and leveled out among everyone involved. Ironically, I am having less sex now than I ever have been, even with two partners. Which I totally laughed at when I realized that. It’s due to a bunch of things: infatuation period ending, Jeremy’s time split between other important things, Todd spending more time with Kim, and Jeremy and I not having our own living spaces.

I initiated the threesome on Sunday morning because I realized that I needed to solve the problem in a way that didn’t require me to seek out a one-night stand, or an entirely new relationship. And ironically again, the same day the threesome happened was a day Jeremy and I could hang out together, and so I got to have sex twice in the same day. Not complaining at all– all of it was fantastic.

Talking Yourself Out Of It

It’s been a while, folks.

Here’s the low-down:

I’m still living with Todd, though we both have been expanding our social & romantic networks. I’ve been dating a guy named Jeremy, who I first met at the end of April. Todd is seeing a woman named Kim, who he met in May, but is also becoming more intimate with our mutual friend Lia.

I’m technically Jeremy’s “girlfriend,” though I don’t prefer to use titles like that because they denote a property that I don’t really think is necessary. I prefer to view our relationship as friends who fuck sometimes, and hang out and do cool shit.

Fortunately, I really get along with Jeremy’s wife, Bobbi, who is currently out seeking a long term girlfriend.

The coolest thing about all this is that Todd and I get to make new friends, experience novel situations, explore new partners sexually, and continually learn and push our boundaries, and shape ourselves to be stronger, more confident, and more free.

When Jeremy and I started dating initially, it was very uncertain, nerve-wracking and a bit awkward. But as we slowly got to know each other and spent more time together, we realized that we were both open-minded and willing to talk about topics that are typically difficult to talk about.

The first time Jeremy and I had sex was after a very long conversation about our individual desires, needs, “kinks,” and how we expressed ourselves sexually. I don’t really feel shameful about revealing this stuff, but I have to confess that it is pretty fucking amazing to have sex with a new person after being with one person consistently for a few years. Not only is it exciting because of the differences in bodies and kissing styles and how you’re touched, but also exciting in giving another person pleasure, and mapping the skin of another person, and the pure ecstatic rush of wanting to fuck badly because you like them so damn much.

The entire month of May was pretty much a giant clusterfuck of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. Literally everything I did throughout my day, any activity, was riddled with thoughts of Jeremy– the dreamiest, loveliest thoughts I’ve ever had. Holy shit though, the endorphins of “falling in love” are extraordinary beyond belief. I felt like I was floating in the sky on MDMA for an entire month.

It was definitely an emotionally impulsive time for me. Jeremy and I literally couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We made out any chance we got (i.e. in the backseat of my car at a Target parking lot, down the street from a free clinic in Berkeley, against a tree at Redwood Regional Park). And, to top it off, because we both shared our living spaces with our partners, we had to get creative in where we had sex (i.e. in the backseat of my car at the parking garage of the Chabot Space & Science Center, underneath a tree beside a park at midnight, at The Burlington Hotel at Port Costa, in a room named “Fanny.”)

Yup. We were “like teenagers again,” except I never had experiences like that as a teenager. Hah!

Quite frankly, I can’t remember another time when I felt so insanely infatuated with a person who reciprocated the emotions & sexual attraction. If you feel like you’ve fell out of the dating game loop, get your ass back on there. It’s so fucking worth the risk, if you can experience something like I have.

I kind of want to write more, but I might hold off a little. There’s your update.

 

Journaling more

I want to journal more. It’s something I used to do every day when I was a teenager.
Some life updates:

  • Moving to the Philippines with Todd at some point next year
  • The really cool guy that I was dating/banging briefly came out of the woodwork and invited me to his art show
  • Viva is learning how to read (aka I am teaching her)
  • Tina is coming to visit me at the end of June
  • Trying to hit the gym at 7am on Wednesday mornings. Good luck to me.

 

eluvium

“I feel life calling me elsewhere,” he said.

I know that feeling, I thought. I get it. We never know what’s next.
I thought of clouds shape-shifting in the sky. How we admire the whimsical shapes, and the next moment it is changed. Part of me wants to grieve for all of the moments that have slipped through my fingers. But I know time is not linear, and that one day, I will awaken in a forgotten moment, recall where I was, and relive it again, and again.

12/9

I watch her run from me
in excitement, towards a little boy
there is so much greatness in her wonderment
in her running, skipping, dancing,
the never-ending questions,
the unfolding universe as her mind widens.

i break apart the world, bit by bit
to examine and admire its parts,
to remind myself of the simplicity in difficulty,
to fertilize my mind,
to plant truth in hers.

A Gay Bar, a Long Conversation, Korean Food and a Funny Hug

Straight-up post: I went on a date last night, and it was fantastic. I know I contradict myself and say I don’t like using the word “date,” but I think after it’s happened you can kind of sense the direction of the relationship.

So his name’s Jim. And he grew up in Montclair (What!) a town that was practically by my hometown. He made it out to the Bay Area through a complicated series of events (doesn’t everyone?) He’s non-monogamous and seemingly thoughtful about the fluidity of relationships.

We met at The White Horse Inn, one of America’s oldest gay bars. It was decked out in Christmas cheer, cozy & warm. I was in the process of googling the ingredients in the drink specials when he showed up suddenly, and I shook his hand out of impulse. He stopped at the restroom before taking a seat next to me at the corner of the long bar.

Our conversation was balanced, energetic, and full of stories. Does it get much better than that? Not only was he great at listening, the information he contributed was hilarious, witty, concise and interesting – but a weird interesting. From what I gathered, he’s a maker, an artist, a writer, a traveler and a dog-lover. His dog’s named Nate, and he’s a German Shephard mix.

Our conversation at the bar flowed into our neighbor’s conversations; we laughed at terrible stories told by a Southwest flight attendant, and our last round of drinks were paid for by the quiet Latina sitting beside Jim. After two Long Beach’s, I realized that my face was burning hot (Asian glow? Or just the copious amounts of sugar my body is not used to…) and at that point, decided to walk to some nondescript Chinese Chicken restaurant that turned out to be a Korean late-night joint. Japchae with beef, you can’t go wrong, really.

Conversation carried its momentum through the food and through my belly-ache (fuck you beer) and we decided to part ways afterwards. I showed him my Rick and Morty bumper stickers which he admired, and we hugged each other. This hug was particularly hilarious because we both started giggling uncontrollably after the hug, and I said to him, “I think we were just giggling because our cheeks were touching.” And he laughed and agreed.

And that was that.

We are planning a hike with Nate, his dog, soon. Not sure when, but I look forward to it.

actually feel excited about this. Friendship! Maybe more?!? SCARY. But cool. BUT VERY SCARY.