Talking Yourself Out Of It

It’s been a while, folks.

Here’s the low-down:

I’m still living with Todd, though we both have been expanding our social & romantic networks. I’ve been dating a guy named Jeremy, who I first met at the end of April. Todd is seeing a woman named Kim, who he met in May, but is also becoming more intimate with our mutual friend Lia.

I’m technically Jeremy’s “girlfriend,” though I don’t prefer to use titles like that because they denote a property that I don’t really think is necessary. I prefer to view our relationship as friends who fuck sometimes, and hang out and do cool shit.

Fortunately, I really get along with Jeremy’s wife, Bobbi, who is currently out seeking a long term girlfriend.

The coolest thing about all this is that Todd and I get to make new friends, experience novel situations, explore new partners sexually, and continually learn and push our boundaries, and shape ourselves to be stronger, more confident, and more free.

When Jeremy and I started dating initially, it was very uncertain, nerve-wracking and a bit awkward. But as we slowly got to know each other and spent more time together, we realized that we were both open-minded and willing to talk about topics that are typically difficult to talk about.

The first time Jeremy and I had sex was after a very long conversation about our individual desires, needs, “kinks,” and how we expressed ourselves sexually. I don’t really feel shameful about revealing this stuff, but I have to confess that it is pretty fucking amazing to have sex with a new person after being with one person consistently for a few years. Not only is it exciting because of the differences in bodies and kissing styles and how you’re touched, but also exciting in giving another person pleasure, and mapping the skin of another person, and the pure ecstatic rush of wanting to fuck badly because you like them so damn much.

The entire month of May was pretty much a giant clusterfuck of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. Literally everything I did throughout my day, any activity, was riddled with thoughts of Jeremy– the dreamiest, loveliest thoughts I’ve ever had. Holy shit though, the endorphins of “falling in love” are extraordinary beyond belief. I felt like I was floating in the sky on MDMA for an entire month.

It was definitely an emotionally impulsive time for me. Jeremy and I literally couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We made out any chance we got (i.e. in the backseat of my car at a Target parking lot, down the street from a free clinic in Berkeley, against a tree at Redwood Regional Park). And, to top it off, because we both shared our living spaces with our partners, we had to get creative in where we had sex (i.e. in the backseat of my car at the parking garage of the Chabot Space & Science Center, underneath a tree beside a park at midnight, at The Burlington Hotel at Port Costa, in a room named “Fanny.”)

Yup. We were “like teenagers again,” except I never had experiences like that as a teenager. Hah!

Quite frankly, I can’t remember another time when I felt so insanely infatuated with a person who reciprocated the emotions & sexual attraction. If you feel like you’ve fell out of the dating game loop, get your ass back on there. It’s so fucking worth the risk, if you can experience something like I have.

I kind of want to write more, but I might hold off a little. There’s your update.

 

Journaling more

I want to journal more. It’s something I used to do every day when I was a teenager.
Some life updates:

  • Moving to the Philippines with Todd at some point next year
  • The really cool guy that I was dating/banging briefly came out of the woodwork and invited me to his art show
  • Viva is learning how to read (aka I am teaching her)
  • Tina is coming to visit me at the end of June
  • Trying to hit the gym at 7am on Wednesday mornings. Good luck to me.

 

eluvium

“I feel life calling me elsewhere,” he said.

I know that feeling, I thought. I get it. We never know what’s next.
I thought of clouds shape-shifting in the sky. How we admire the whimsical shapes, and the next moment it is changed. Part of me wants to grieve for all of the moments that have slipped through my fingers. But I know time is not linear, and that one day, I will awaken in a forgotten moment, recall where I was, and relive it again, and again.

12/9

I watch her run from me
in excitement, towards a little boy
there is so much greatness in her wonderment
in her running, skipping, dancing,
the never-ending questions,
the unfolding universe as her mind widens.

i break apart the world, bit by bit
to examine and admire its parts,
to remind myself of the simplicity in difficulty,
to fertilize my mind,
to plant truth in hers.

A Gay Bar, a Long Conversation, Korean Food and a Funny Hug

Straight-up post: I went on a date last night, and it was fantastic. I know I contradict myself and say I don’t like using the word “date,” but I think after it’s happened you can kind of sense the direction of the relationship.

So his name’s Jim. And he grew up in Montclair (What!) a town that was practically by my hometown. He made it out to the Bay Area through a complicated series of events (doesn’t everyone?) He’s non-monogamous and seemingly thoughtful about the fluidity of relationships.

We met at The White Horse Inn, one of America’s oldest gay bars. It was decked out in Christmas cheer, cozy & warm. I was in the process of googling the ingredients in the drink specials when he showed up suddenly, and I shook his hand out of impulse. He stopped at the restroom before taking a seat next to me at the corner of the long bar.

Our conversation was balanced, energetic, and full of stories. Does it get much better than that? Not only was he great at listening, the information he contributed was hilarious, witty, concise and interesting – but a weird interesting. From what I gathered, he’s a maker, an artist, a writer, a traveler and a dog-lover. His dog’s named Nate, and he’s a German Shephard mix.

Our conversation at the bar flowed into our neighbor’s conversations; we laughed at terrible stories told by a Southwest flight attendant, and our last round of drinks were paid for by the quiet Latina sitting beside Jim. After two Long Beach’s, I realized that my face was burning hot (Asian glow? Or just the copious amounts of sugar my body is not used to…) and at that point, decided to walk to some nondescript Chinese Chicken restaurant that turned out to be a Korean late-night joint. Japchae with beef, you can’t go wrong, really.

Conversation carried its momentum through the food and through my belly-ache (fuck you beer) and we decided to part ways afterwards. I showed him my Rick and Morty bumper stickers which he admired, and we hugged each other. This hug was particularly hilarious because we both started giggling uncontrollably after the hug, and I said to him, “I think we were just giggling because our cheeks were touching.” And he laughed and agreed.

And that was that.

We are planning a hike with Nate, his dog, soon. Not sure when, but I look forward to it.

actually feel excited about this. Friendship! Maybe more?!? SCARY. But cool. BUT VERY SCARY.

Giant Evil Squid

It’s day two since I’ve been back from Acapulco and I’m knee deep in work. It’s lovely to be back with Viva again, however she’s got a cold + cough, which is shitty because I’m put at risk. What can you do.

I definitely want to write more about my time in Acapulco. Hanging with anarchists. What a fucking wild time. I started learning the ins and outs of sound recording for film, and am very excited to learn how to sort footage in pre-production, as well as help out in post-production. I’m fortunate that Todd is willing/eager to teach me these skills.

It still feels like a dream. Parts of me wishes I could stay, but another part of me feels not ready to leave the Bay Area yet.

I feel more and more inclined to meet people who might be willing to join our cause. I don’t really want to live in a community where we all *kinda* get along.