“I feel life calling me elsewhere,” he said.

I know that feeling, I thought. I get it. We never know what’s next.
I thought of clouds shape-shifting in the sky. How we admire the whimsical shapes, and the next moment it is changed. Part of me wants to grieve for all of the moments that have slipped through my fingers. But I know time is not linear, and that one day, I will awaken in a forgotten moment, recall where I was, and relive it again, and again.


I watch her run from me
in excitement, towards a little boy
there is so much greatness in her wonderment
in her running, skipping, dancing,
the never-ending questions,
the unfolding universe as her mind widens.

i break apart the world, bit by bit
to examine and admire its parts,
to remind myself of the simplicity in difficulty,
to fertilize my mind,
to plant truth in hers.

A Gay Bar, a Long Conversation, Korean Food and a Funny Hug

Straight-up post: I went on a date last night, and it was fantastic. I know I contradict myself and say I don’t like using the word “date,” but I think after it’s happened you can kind of sense the direction of the relationship.

So his name’s Jim. And he grew up in Montclair (What!) a town that was practically by my hometown. He made it out to the Bay Area through a complicated series of events (doesn’t everyone?) He’s non-monogamous and seemingly thoughtful about the fluidity of relationships.

We met at The White Horse Inn, one of America’s oldest gay bars. It was decked out in Christmas cheer, cozy & warm. I was in the process of googling the ingredients in the drink specials when he showed up suddenly, and I shook his hand out of impulse. He stopped at the restroom before taking a seat next to me at the corner of the long bar.

Our conversation was balanced, energetic, and full of stories. Does it get much better than that? Not only was he great at listening, the information he contributed was hilarious, witty, concise and interesting – but a weird interesting. From what I gathered, he’s a maker, an artist, a writer, a traveler and a dog-lover. His dog’s named Nate, and he’s a German Shephard mix.

Our conversation at the bar flowed into our neighbor’s conversations; we laughed at terrible stories told by a Southwest flight attendant, and our last round of drinks were paid for by the quiet Latina sitting beside Jim. After two Long Beach’s, I realized that my face was burning hot (Asian glow? Or just the copious amounts of sugar my body is not used to…) and at that point, decided to walk to some nondescript Chinese Chicken restaurant that turned out to be a Korean late-night joint. Japchae with beef, you can’t go wrong, really.

Conversation carried its momentum through the food and through my belly-ache (fuck you beer) and we decided to part ways afterwards. I showed him my Rick and Morty bumper stickers which he admired, and we hugged each other. This hug was particularly hilarious because we both started giggling uncontrollably after the hug, and I said to him, “I think we were just giggling because our cheeks were touching.” And he laughed and agreed.

And that was that.

We are planning a hike with Nate, his dog, soon. Not sure when, but I look forward to it.

actually feel excited about this. Friendship! Maybe more?!? SCARY. But cool. BUT VERY SCARY.

Giant Evil Squid

It’s day two since I’ve been back from Acapulco and I’m knee deep in work. It’s lovely to be back with Viva again, however she’s got a cold + cough, which is shitty because I’m put at risk. What can you do.

I definitely want to write more about my time in Acapulco. Hanging with anarchists. What a fucking wild time. I started learning the ins and outs of sound recording for film, and am very excited to learn how to sort footage in pre-production, as well as help out in post-production. I’m fortunate that Todd is willing/eager to teach me these skills.

It still feels like a dream. Parts of me wishes I could stay, but another part of me feels not ready to leave the Bay Area yet.

I feel more and more inclined to meet people who might be willing to join our cause. I don’t really want to live in a community where we all *kinda* get along.

I had such a fucking wonderful day today. Pat Gray had been visiting us since Friday morning from Seattle. It’s been such an exciting, invigorating and thoughtful weekend of great minds coming together and sharing really awe-inspiring, perspective-changing ideas.

I even got to hang out with Keren too! She’s still awesome in that parts of her haven’t changed, the parts that I really admire. Those are the parts she shares with me, and I’m pretty sure I have aspects of myself that she learns from as well.

Went on a great hike with Todd, Kurt, Keren and Pat. Keren and I talked a lot of the time but overall we had a really awesome experience.

Returned to Uncle Frank’s place and dropped a bit of mdma. It felt amazing to just talk and roll around with Kurt and Todd, my best friends. Pat Gray had passed out from the potent California bud- and was out for HOURS.

I got to chat to him about non-monogamy and just relationships in general. He was extremely receptive and asked some pertinent questions regarding it.

I’m so tired and hyped up on music and friendship and life and shit. Todd is great, so is everyone else I keep around.

Lessons Learned

Don’t build homes in people because they change in unexpected ways. Be wary who you’re intimate with because we are more sensitive to deeper connections. Monitor how much of yourself you are willingly sharing versus how much of yourself is being drained psychically. Hedonism is unsustainable, period.

Turning Leaves

I have a feeling that my days of sexual deprivation will be over soon.

For the first time in a long time, I was intimate with someone. Slowly, I am repairing my sexuality and my confidence. And now for some vignettes:

First. Rain and mountains. Comic books on shelves. It’s morning and he is finally home. He removes his glasses. It felt okay to be naked. It felt okay to be touched. I was a blue flame in an unusually cold day. He kissed my eyelids like a lover would. Why do you stare so longingly at me, as if I were an apparition? I must have been. I left you there, at your doorstep, the cold on our faces. I disappeared to the east.

Secondly, the one who anticipates my arrival. Sexy and frustrated. Modest. He desires me through technology and I give him what he wants tonight. We watch each other orgasm through our phone screens, wild limbs, a moment lost and gained again within a glorious silent roar.

And lastly, the travel companion. Understanding and free to the world. He is eager, so very eager. He wants to be near me. He wants to see the world as I do. Soon, the city in his dreams will materialize. Soon I will be where he is.