October

I started feeling really inspired while I was in my car commuting home from work today. I had the album Takk… on, by Sigur Ros. Listening to Hoppípolla then Með Blóðnasir really leaves you with this I can do anything feeling, something that I felt had been missing for a while.

The end of September has honestly been a big sigh of relief. There was a lot of tension between Kim and I, mainly because we both have been pretty demanding of Todd’s time. I think, too, there was a lot of comparison going on between the both of us, a lot of scarcity thoughts and negative fantasies that were entertained. Fortunately, it has really felt way, way lighter in terms of the emotional stress factor, and it truly seems like Kim is pulling her weight and working very hard to acclimate to what it takes to choose to be in an alternative relationship.

I went on a few “dates” the past month. Two of which were pretty mediocre, but nothing terrible or anything. One guy, named Joe, is a TV writer, and it’s been really rad to hang out with him. He lived out in NYC for a while and he definitely has that feel to him. I think it’s mostly that we can fuck around and make jokes and be sarcastic and real or whatever. I think he’d get along with Todd.

I also spent two different occasions getting to know another fellow named Evan, who I met via Tinder. Surprisingly, it worked out (in that he was accepting of my non-monogamous lifestyle). The reality is that most people would either unmatch me or totally not be into the whole idea. The first instance, we got coffee and talked for a while. The second time, he had led a hike up in the Berkeley hills, the “Fire Trails” they call them, because of how it’ll make your legs feel.

The views were absolutely breath-taking. I don’t know if there is a better hike in the immediate vicinity. We alternated between the quiet darkness of the redwood groves to the sun-soaked yellow of the paths that wove between the eucalyptus groves. We spent time sitting on each bench at each vista, quiet, or chatting about something out of the ordinary.

He’s in New York City for two weeks. I truly hope I get to hang out with him again.

Bobbi and Jeremy are in Prague and Croatia for two weeks. All these travelers! I dropped them off at the airport on Saturday evening. It was such a peculiar, lovely feeling to give Jeremy a farewell kiss at the terminal, as he was going off to go on vacation for his wife’s birthday. I love the both of them! I’m glad we are in each other’s lives.

Tonight I plan to roast some squash. I am pretty excited about that.

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SmartBomb

A Long, Loooong Overdue Update

I’ve been consistently making room in my life for live music and dancing. I’ve also begun doing photography and photo editing again. Learning how to use a new camera, and a new computer. My musical brain is expanding with more and more new music found each day. Living in Oakland is so inspiring.

I’m on my couch in my underwear, wrapped up in my blanket, stoned, listening to 30/70‘s radio station. Life is pretty sweet.

On Scarcity Thinking and How It’s Been Affecting Me

I had a rough patch the past few days where I was totally steeping myself in the poison that is scarcity thinking. Feeling like things are being taken away from you. Feelings of loss. Abandonment. Neglect. It’s so difficult to consider someone else’s feelings and perspective when one is caught in the narcissistic cesspool of their own fears. I blamed Todd for not making enough room in his life for me, but the truth is, is that he doesn’t owe me any time, and I was treating him as if he did.

Todd is free to do whatever he wants with his time, and I have that privilege as well. The goal is to maximize our personal freedom, not inhibit each other just because I’m not getting what I want.

By focusing on being present, appreciating Todd’s time when he is around, and communicating that gratitude– are all ways that helped me out of that cycle of fear. Todd was patient, calm, supportive and loving through my angry and sad outbursts.

When Todd was at work yesterday, I cleaned the shit out of our apartment. I cleaned shit that had been laying around since the end of our west coast tour– at the end of August. I cleaned shit that was totally random and scattered and old and useless; I reorganized things. I moved things around, and threw things out. I swept and mopped and wiped the walls.

Our home looked fantastic afterwards. Cleaning up the space truly elevated my mood, and overall motivates us to want to be in the space.

Cleaning up really helped my anxieties.

I’ve been super stoked about my schedule balancing out between Todd, Jeremy, myself, friends, work, and personal projects. I need to get back into my workout routine, or at least try out a new class….

Checking In: With Claire’s Humans

I whipped up a homemade chicken & vegetable soup for Jeremy and Bobbi, as they both got super sick one after the other.

Jeremy has been doing well, he’s currently trying to attain a specific Salesforce certification. That’s not the exciting news. He told me the other day to keep September 22nd free– he planned something for my birthday, belated as it is. I told him to keep it a secret, because I suck at keeping secrets and that he should do it if he can do it better than me.

I still care a lot about Jeremy, though our friendship/relationship has definitely shape-shifted a lot since we first met. Over the past few months, I’ve gotten to know their close friends and more and more learn about them. Sexually, we still enjoy each other very much. It’s been super refreshing to be able to communicate so openly about my sexual self, and my own desires. He brings a whole new set of skills to the table, which has been quite exciting.

Todd is doing super well. He’s busy with a bunch of film projects and a music project with Kim, which I think is really neat! His time is limited but he still manages to be home to spend time with me, and we’ll work together on our documentary project. I’m trying to practice feeling more gratitude for the time he spends with me versus wanting more.

PS. It’s the morning after, and I can’t believe I wrote all of this while stoned. I hope it makes sense?!?!

 

Past & Present: Being an Outcome of Everything That Has Ever Happened To You

The past week was full of ups and downs: negative fantasies ballooning up and exploding in my face in the quietest of moments, scarcity mentality devouring my heart and mind like a skin-eating disease, and anxiety that prevented me from wanting to even eat or nurture myself.

However, the moments that were positive and bright carried me out of my wandering darkness.

It has been hard, like, REALLY FUCKING HARD learning how to adjust to sharing your partner’s time & affection, while being supportive of the new love they are giving and receiving. Todd and Kim are definitely in their honeymoon phase, which is glorious (believe me, I know). And I even got to be a part of it.

On Sunday morning we had a threesome, and it was really, really cool. I think the best part of it for me was seeing Todd so turned on and in love and excited at the fact that he was with two people he cared about, while giving pleasure to both of us. Fortunately for Kim and I, we both brought our own sex toys so we were very much taken care of.

At random times during the past week and a half, there was a lot of me feeling partially neglected, left out, and isolated– but I think it was due to how I was thinking about what I felt like I deserved, or what I thought my partners should be providing for me. When Jeremy and I first started seeing each other, we quickly fell into our endorphin-induced love cloud and I was having double the amount of sex, or physical intimacy, that I was used to.

For a while, it was great, even a little too much, but I felt extremely satisfied and excited to have such an abundance of physical intimacy.

Then, as the happy, dreamy feelings began to settle down, the process of leveling out and recognizing where we both stood in reality was another difficult transition. Essentially it was like being on strong amphetamines for a month, feeling as high as a kite, and suddenly crashing but in a subtle, quiet way.

For a few days I was even uncertain if I liked Jeremy anymore, and was even more uncertain if he even wanted to be with me. I was terrified at facing reality after our period of infatuation ended, in fear that we had already burned ourselves out emotionally. I almost convinced myself we were just acting like crazy, lustful teenagers who just wanted to bang, and that’s it.

I found myself in the middle of the great unknown, hand in hand with another human who I barely knew, both of us snapping out of our oxytocin dreams with our respective partners behind us yelling, “GUYS IT’S TIME TO COME BACK!”

The contrast of feeling so high then feeling normal shook me. I felt like I was self-inducing a defense mechanism I hadn’t used since I was in college: a way of numbing myself, tuning into a despondency that would seemingly protect my heart from pain if things were to go south.

I recall a day when I went to meet up with Jeremy and Bobbi at True Love Tattoo in Oakland, as I had agreed to hang out with Jeremy while he was getting inked. I remember meeting up with them, my stomach churning with anxiety, and walking to a nearby Mexican restaurant where I did not order a thing. Eventually I came out with the truth: I was having a hard time processing the stark transition between the phase of infatuation with reality, my every day emotions.

Jeremy told me that he feels grateful that it had even happened.

“An entire month of feeling like you were on drugs!” he said.

I agreed, I felt fortunate and happy it happened, and I didn’t regret a second of it. As I talked to Todd more and more about the depressive feelings I was having after the infatuation period, Todd helped me discern that I was mourning.

Yes, I was straight up mourning the loss of the infatuation period I was experiencing with Jeremy. I cried when I realized the fact, and put it to rest by writing about it in my notebook. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t even expect to feel so intensely for him. We did it to each other.

After my period of infatuation ended, Todd’s began. And Jeremy started to realize that he had to put a lot more energy in feeling productive in his job search, as well as balancing the other people in his life.

So almost at once, the abundance I had became greatly reduced and leveled out among everyone involved. Ironically, I am having less sex now than I ever have been, even with two partners. Which I totally laughed at when I realized that. It’s due to a bunch of things: infatuation period ending, Jeremy’s time split between other important things, Todd spending more time with Kim, and Jeremy and I not having our own living spaces.

I initiated the threesome on Sunday morning because I realized that I needed to solve the problem in a way that didn’t require me to seek out a one-night stand, or an entirely new relationship. And ironically again, the same day the threesome happened was a day Jeremy and I could hang out together, and so I got to have sex twice in the same day. Not complaining at all– all of it was fantastic.

Talking Yourself Out Of It

It’s been a while, folks.

Here’s the low-down:

I’m still living with Todd, though we both have been expanding our social & romantic networks. I’ve been dating a guy named Jeremy, who I first met at the end of April. Todd is seeing a woman named Kim, who he met in May, but is also becoming more intimate with our mutual friend Lia.

I’m technically Jeremy’s “girlfriend,” though I don’t prefer to use titles like that because they denote a property that I don’t really think is necessary. I prefer to view our relationship as friends who fuck sometimes, and hang out and do cool shit.

Fortunately, I really get along with Jeremy’s wife, Bobbi, who is currently out seeking a long term girlfriend.

The coolest thing about all this is that Todd and I get to make new friends, experience novel situations, explore new partners sexually, and continually learn and push our boundaries, and shape ourselves to be stronger, more confident, and more free.

When Jeremy and I started dating initially, it was very uncertain, nerve-wracking and a bit awkward. But as we slowly got to know each other and spent more time together, we realized that we were both open-minded and willing to talk about topics that are typically difficult to talk about.

The first time Jeremy and I had sex was after a very long conversation about our individual desires, needs, “kinks,” and how we expressed ourselves sexually. I don’t really feel shameful about revealing this stuff, but I have to confess that it is pretty fucking amazing to have sex with a new person after being with one person consistently for a few years. Not only is it exciting because of the differences in bodies and kissing styles and how you’re touched, but also exciting in giving another person pleasure, and mapping the skin of another person, and the pure ecstatic rush of wanting to fuck badly because you like them so damn much.

The entire month of May was pretty much a giant clusterfuck of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. Literally everything I did throughout my day, any activity, was riddled with thoughts of Jeremy– the dreamiest, loveliest thoughts I’ve ever had. Holy shit though, the endorphins of “falling in love” are extraordinary beyond belief. I felt like I was floating in the sky on MDMA for an entire month.

It was definitely an emotionally impulsive time for me. Jeremy and I literally couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We made out any chance we got (i.e. in the backseat of my car at a Target parking lot, down the street from a free clinic in Berkeley, against a tree at Redwood Regional Park). And, to top it off, because we both shared our living spaces with our partners, we had to get creative in where we had sex (i.e. in the backseat of my car at the parking garage of the Chabot Space & Science Center, underneath a tree beside a park at midnight, at The Burlington Hotel at Port Costa, in a room named “Fanny.”)

Yup. We were “like teenagers again,” except I never had experiences like that as a teenager. Hah!

Quite frankly, I can’t remember another time when I felt so insanely infatuated with a person who reciprocated the emotions & sexual attraction. If you feel like you’ve fell out of the dating game loop, get your ass back on there. It’s so fucking worth the risk, if you can experience something like I have.

I kind of want to write more, but I might hold off a little. There’s your update.

 

Journaling more

I want to journal more. It’s something I used to do every day when I was a teenager.
Some life updates:

  • Moving to the Philippines with Todd at some point next year
  • The really cool guy that I was dating/banging briefly came out of the woodwork and invited me to his art show
  • Viva is learning how to read (aka I am teaching her)
  • Tina is coming to visit me at the end of June
  • Trying to hit the gym at 7am on Wednesday mornings. Good luck to me.

 

eluvium

“I feel life calling me elsewhere,” he said.

I know that feeling, I thought. I get it. We never know what’s next.
I thought of clouds shape-shifting in the sky. How we admire the whimsical shapes, and the next moment it is changed. Part of me wants to grieve for all of the moments that have slipped through my fingers. But I know time is not linear, and that one day, I will awaken in a forgotten moment, recall where I was, and relive it again, and again.