a door, a door, a window

They roam the calm earth,
Heads tilted up to the sky.
Broken wings, they cry.
–haiku by Claire

Sometimes I feel that nothing’s changed. I’m scared that I haven’t. What if it was all in my head, or something like that. I’d like to know that I’ve gained confidence in myself and in my appearance. I want to know that me getting older day by day will somehow allow me to fly away from this place without having to worry about the parents I left behind. Or rather, without them having to worry about me. My father especially. I definitely know that he believes that i’m the only hope left for this family..my oldest brother, 23 and still living with us, no stable job or home, my second oldest brother recently kicked out because of the whole drug dealing fiasco, and my younger sister getting C’s in middle school, drowning herself in Myspace and materialistic things. Am I the only one with impossible dreams, dreams that will drive me to the end of the world and back, trying to pursue them?

So I started applying to two colleges already, University of Pittsburgh and University of Maryland-College park. And I’ve been looking at scholarships again…even though I filled out a lot during my Junior year.

All I know is, I definitely have had a wonderful balance of school work and fun throughout my three years of high school. So if I were to die soon, god forbid, I wouldn’t be too upset. I’d be extremely devastated.

But hey, we only live once.

Orange Nectar

:) Orange nectar… the thought is heart warming. You know what’s funny? I say ‘warm’ like w + arm, not like whoa + arm. You know I just thought you’d LOVE to know that fact about myself.

I am a busy bee.

Tonight, I hope to make it to Jackie’s house party. I’m not so sure about rides even, and I’m leaving for Atlantic City early tomorrow morning…and I spent my last few “points” going to the Aladdin Smoke Shop (Hookah Bar! Did I tell you I went to my first hookah bar?!) and slept over Jessica’s house. Oh, the way my point system works, basically… I decide what’s top priority on my list of summer activities, you know like parties, sleep overs, going to the mall, going out to eat, going to the movies, and for example, Friday night I would skip out on going out to the movies in order to go out Saturday night to sleep over so and so’s house, for my parents sake. -_- Yes, it gets rather annoying, but it’s a cinch for me.

Ah! The Aladdin Smoke Shop. Big sign when you walk in “MUST BE 19 OR OLDER TO ENTER, PLEASE HAVE YOUR ID OUT.”  ID? What ID? 19? Sure!
Yeah, they don’t card, they liked us. :)  I was hesitant to go because 1) I have asthma, and I’d rather not damage my lungs even more because they already are from birth -_- and 2) Hm, I guess I don’t have a second reason. Fritze drove us in her sweet, stick shift BMW with Tim in the front, me, Jun, and Jess in the back. The shop was actually very ambient. The carpet needed a change, but each “station” which were like caves in the wall all Aladdin like, with sofas and comfy pillows and dim lights. We blasted the Sublime and it was aaall nice. We chose… xtasy (haha Fritze) and Mango! We saw 3 other girls on the other side, and we invited them over and.. yeah, we did it, we each took 4 at once. Hahah that sounds so bad. But it was fun. They had great flavors.. some African something and Tropical something. Yummmy. It was a very interesting experience. And I found out i’m a good ‘giver’ ;) if you know what I mean. Hahaha.

Slept over Jessica’s and… okay, we FINALLY got to try the donuts. It worked for me. It more than worked for me…Jesus lol, but not them :/ I don’t know why. Wow. So, yeah.

I really want to go to Jackie’s tonight. Meeting new people = good. Relax and have fun at a party = good. Change = good.

Atlantic City tomorrow… more party, with the cousins :)
I’m psyched, are you?

“This is fate, right?”

So, I’ve been continuing to watch the Code Geass series (anime.)
It was Tim who told me about it.
Which reminds me of my dream… I was in the car with Tim, driving to Jiyun’s house. And I remember thinking about all the shit he did, and I wondered why I was in his car in the first place. So I turned to him and I awkwardly asked, “How’s your summer going?” and all of it was just so awkward. And I was in a neighborhood…and I knew, somehow, that it was Jiyun’s. So I asked him which house it was and he pointed it out. I also started to talk to him about the series, and how the character Shirley dies. I told him I cried a lot. (Which I really did.) Interesting.

Oh. I almost forgot. Usually, at the end of every school year I would give a quick over-view of the year. Some thoughts, words, reminiscences.

• There was Mr. Alcindor, the sexy, mulatto, hard-core video game / comic fan & Literature teacher who was slightly cynical and very chill.

• Then there was Ms. Manning, the unmarried, intelligent and extremely sarcastic and laid back History teacher who devoted the rest of her life helping her sickly mother.

• Mr. Middleton. The mole. The pervert, the bane of our existence, the chemistry teacher. I would not like to talk about him anymore.

• Fat lady gym teachers, sexist and egotistical male gym teachers. Whatever.

• Mr. Vodofsky, the photography teacher. Nothing special, really.
• And Mrs. Grotto… the economics teacher with the boisterous-ish personality like Ms. Manning’s. Very funny, whimsical, grandmotherly like. So cute and modest though.

• Ah, Mr. Iannucci. My big brother, my awesome Algebra teacher. He had the stunning ability to really get along with his students…on a non-school level, which I loved. He’s too cool.

• Mr. Kelly & Ms. McClure, the band teachers, the big cheeses of the music program. They conduct pretty well, and we’re pretty damn good because of them.

• Mr. Champagne… Oh dear, I miss him the most. Probably one of the most memorable people I have ever come across in my short existence. Inspiring, entertaining, hopeful, real…he is one of my heroes.

So those are the teachers, folks! I have to admit, when I wasn’t studying my balls off or sleeping for 4 hours, I really felt so comfy in all my classes (except for chemistry, chemistry can die) School was just so…comfy.

Then… there’s Harris’ car and the evolution of his music. I swear, like 10% of my time throughout the school year was spent being in his car and in Tim Egan’s car hahaha. Harris’ car is like my 5th home. I feel safe in there. And he plays awesome music… I wish I could’ve documented the change of his musical preference!

Let’s see. There’s Joe’s house. :) Joe with his GIGANTIC plasma TV, our Halo 3 / Super Smash nights with Joe, Tim and Harris…so much fun. occassionally we’d have other people over, but it was just the 4 of us usually.

Applebee’s. I’m going to seriously, seriously miss the half off appetizers after 10pm with those guys. I love being with all of them…even if i’m the only girl most of the time.

Noodle fighting and being bored: that’s what we did best. Everything was spontaneous, NYC, Dick’s sporting goods, Ice Cream, Video games, Soup!

Borders. Gosh… Borders is still the haven for Harris and I. We still go just to sit and read. We’ve had good times there, studying, looking at weird books, like Would You Rather…? Tazo tea. Books…lovely, lovely books.

NYC. With Rita and Kate! Then with Harris, Orphee, and Pratik. Amazing experiences. :)

Rita’s house and all the fun that brought…

Mexico, Spring Break! One of the greatest experiences of my young life.

Mr. Champagne’s events and his stories, I vow to never, ever, never, forget his stories.
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God. The work was SO HARD. and I worked pretty damn hard…and everything ended up nicely :) I’ll miss everything. Everything. I think i’ve typed enough. Hopefully my memory will take care of the rest.

A Title

A Few Thoughts post-haircut:

I remember, sitting in my aunt’s hair..chair, I remembered how I felt, getting my haircut. I didn’t want her to cut it off. I knew that I wanted something different, but I was afraid it would go wrong. And I eventually just sat there and nodded my head, and let her have her way. So she cut it, and I watched as all of it drifted off to the floor and gathered like dead grass. I knew I couldn’t go back. I then realized that change isn’t about trying your hardest to keep what you had while trying to grab hold of something new at the same time, it’s about letting go completely and finding yourself someplace new. Change can be something as simple as taking a new route to your sixth period class, but that requires you to abandon the old path and choose a new one. Sure, your old path won’t disappear completely, I mean you can always just go back to it. But the real question is, when you’ve completed your journey down the new path, when you think you’ve changed enough and you look back to what you used to be, or where you used to be, you ask yourself if you truly do want to go back. You’ll think about your new experiences, the people, the places, the feelings that you felt when you finally decided to change, and you’ll realize you wouldn’t have any of it if you had stuck to what you normally do. Of course, sticking to routine is never a bad thing, but to those who feel as if there is never another route to period six, there is. And there always will be.

You just have to turn that corner
and keep on going.

She lay wrapped in a soft, white blanket.
She was asleep.
No, her eyes are shut. she is still here.

It is still. (she is not alone.)
It is quiet. (the sound of clashing atoms)

until
one hand slightly slips out of the blanket and grips the mattress below and
another makes its way into the short tresses of her hair.
C O L O R S and S O U N D S spread like pumping blood
through veins, snaking its way through this place of slumber.

and laughter and tears and horror explodes from her mouth
He is but a shadow, guilty of the worst of crimes;
he’d colored outside of the lines.

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This is significant and meaningful to this day.