I’m definitely feeling better about everything.
All my friends know, ahaha. Even Ms. Thomas.. what the hell? Haha :)
The more I think about it (ironically) the more I feel confident about it.
He did seem very genuine about what he was saying… I don’t think he’s just ‘going around.’
Like, he was blatantly conscious about what he was saying:
We went into his house and we saw these really antique looking photographs on the walls. He pointed at this one of a very beautiful elegant lady in one of those poofy dresses and an umbrella, like in the 1800s. He joked saying that that was him when he was younger, and being his usually funny self, and after an hour when we were both getting cozy on that lawn chair, he “confessed” that it wasn’t really him in the photo lol then under his breath he said “Now you won’t trust anything I say ever again…” and those little comments hinted that he really cared what I thought of him. (I’m too freaking observant..even when I first met him)
Bea and Kate were.. freaking out when I told them about that night. Bea especially. She was squealing and being all cutesy.. she totally embarrassed me!! Then they freaking started talking about the BABIES we would make and how ADORABLE they would be, and I was like WHAT?! BABIES, WHAT THE HELL hahaha. They said our babies would have really red cheeks and .. small eyes? ahahaha. And for five minutes walking to class, they were just freaking out. They said we would be a good couple.
All my friends seem very content with this, me and him, I mean. Halli even says he’s “really friendly” and that’s coming from Halli.. i’m sure she’s not lying. And Jenna thinks we have a lot in common.
I really, really want to get to know him better: I feel like I can definitely find the things I really love about him and what I don’t like. I don’t necessarily look for flaws in guys I would potentially date, I just over-idealize. My expectations were just set too high. I don’t even mean that if he doesn’t meet them, I won’t consider him, I’m being unrealistic and my head’s up in the clouds. If I do think of him and me together, I could totally picture it. Autumn is now, falling leaves, slightly chilly days, beautiful scenery… and winter.. warm hoodies and blankets and hot chocolate and snow days, and bright stars and warm hands. :) And his cheeks! Haha.
And… light snow in New York City at night, with the skyscrapers and lights and the people. Couples. Cozy cafes. My mittens meeting his gloves. I can picture that. And.. it does make me happy.
(See! My over-active imagination dreaming up all this stuff. That’s what I mean.)
But now I feel like it would be weird if I called him. It’s not like i’m Jackie, able to go on real dates that I plan, I have freaking parents to worry about. Like, I feel like if I called him just to chat on the phone, it would be awkward now.. just because we haven’t even set up a basis for our friendship–relationship, yet. So, I just have to rely on my friends and them inviting him and me. :) I don’t mind that. I can’t be alone with him yet.
I didn’t realize this, but me refusing to kiss him two nights ago signifies that I’m not easy. I could’ve. Easily. Just a few more centimeters, I could have. But I said, “Not yet.” And he respected that.
But.. he’s not exactly looking for a relationship.
and.. I’m a senior. But even so.. I would really love a relationship. I want substance and.. love? I can’t think about love now because I hold love at such a high level. I expect Love to be something incredibly amazing and at this point I cannot hold him and Love at the same level, not even close. If I do, I will completely reject any feelings of him. I will reject him if I expect love.
I suppose that’s the root of all of this. All of my neutral feelings. The reason why I didn’t feel anything afterwards. Because I expected myself to just fall in love. I thought it could work that way.. but it can’t, Claire. Obviously there’s a long path ahead of me, and I only have the initial attraction. I don’t even know why the HELL I expected myself to fall in love or vise versa with Brian. That’s why my expectations were set so high that night, I wanted something INCREDIBLE to happen. I wanted fireworks to explode from my body. But again, I knew that couldn’t happen, only in movies, and I was temporarily neutralized. Sigh, silly Claire.
So that’s it. That’s everything.
Jackie says October is her favorite month. She says she goes wild. And, I suppose October brings a lot. The changing of seasons, hot to cold, one color to many colors. Coldness. Starting over.
I found something at the beginning of the summer. And now I’ve found something at the beginning of autumn. My life is.. going, and going.. and it amazes me.
I want him to take me on adventures and make my life exciting.
That’s what I want. Really. I want spontaneity. I want amazement and breath-taking experiences.
I want something life-changing. I want him to be life-changing.
Anyone has this potential, anyone. But I want it to be him. I was doubting him too, when I was feeling neutral, but I will look as hard as I can within him to find that spark. I suppose that’s my expectation. I expect something amazing. Is that too much, I wonder.
He held my hand, too. And I squeezed tight, after I refused the kiss. I squeezed tight to show that I didn’t want to let go of him just because of that. And the fire was dying. Rita tried to put it out, she tried so hard, but the flame kept jumping back up. And I smiled to myself and realized that that flame could resemble us. The embers were bright, and the dead flame came alive again. When we thought it was finally extinguished, another flame popped out of the embers. I smiled and knew that I should give this a chance.
Perhaps he will impress me.
Maybe I will impress him.
And.. anything is possible…. anything is possible. Anything is possible!
Knowing that makes me very happy.
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