A

12:39am

do you ever get to urge to destroy the life you have and start anew

12:40am

uhmmm

yeah i did this year actually

and i did

and i love my life

12:41am

haha well i’m glad to hear a success story

12:41am

so

do it

if it’s what you feel you want

than change

12:42am

if it’s possible to realize an infinite amount of things in one night then

I have

and i know i ‘ve been living in some kind of delusion

that’s protected me, and it works but

i’m tired of it

i watched this movie with michelle vera last night, from spain, and the main character was me, she lived in a romantic delusion and when it was shattered and i watched her devastation

i wanted that

so badly

it will test to see if i truly am okay with.. what i really am

sorry i ranted, i feel like this is more for my sake than you reading it

12:46am

it’s okay to build towers no one is going to see

as long as you’re happy with what you can see from atop them

12:47am

i’m scared

but

i need this

no, i want it.

12:48am

yeah youn can want a change and need it too

which is it?

12:49am

both

i know that i can live in this delusion and be fine my whole life but you were right about reality and how its intricacies are far greater than fabrication

first i need to get myself lost

very, very lost

12:50am

do you really think that these delusions

are giding you so much?

i think

that whatever you think

you’re decisions

are still made

from what you trully want for yourself

if not then you lie to yourself

but

if you think you need want a change than

you must want something else

that’s not so drastic

that’s just you recognizing that the things chinge

and you no longer have the same desires

12:53am

in the summer you told me something

that stuck with me

it was a short line but

12:54am

was it

that you are gay?

12:54am

yeah

that’s exactly it

something about not being a who i am but a what i am

i think who i think i am now is like the creation of an ideal me but so many things i think now, my impulses just defy who i am and i realize that

those things are not what i am?

idk if i make sense

12:56am

you sound rediculous

12:56am

there are facets of what i am that haven’t seen sunlight

12:56am

you are who you are

12:56am

and i want them to be exposed

12:56am

thats not necessarily true

whever you are

whether its the fact that you hide lesser know facets of yourself

or the fact that you think that those facets are really what make you up

thats you

i know i said you can start anew

but you can’t change who you are

12:58am

i know i can’t but… i can change the lens i see myself through

that’s

what i want

12:58am

thats silly

12:58am

:|

12:58am

yo should only look at yourself how you know you are

if you have some sort of ideal you

then quit it

12:59am

everyone has some sort of ideal them

12:59am

just think about yourself honestly

12:59am

-__- i do all the time i don’t want to anymore

12:59am

thats dumb

12:59am

i compared myself to a puddle the other day lol

something can run though it and it ripples

1:00am

that’s gay

1:00am

but then it becomes still again

1:00am

how poetic

1:00am

shut up

tht’s not the point

1:00am

sorry i like to ground you to realism

1:00am

i know

anyway then i looked at the snow

and how like if you walk on it

it will melt and remain walked on

and i think i want that instead?

1:01am

you try and live your life like it is some thoughtful movie and eventually you’re going to figure out

that

it’s just your life

1:01am

gahhh

1:01am

no one else thinks about you the way you do

jyst live the way you would want to look back onand think

1:01am

i don’t expect anyone to

1:02am

yeah, looking back i would do that the same way

anyways

stop

stop stip stop

1:02am

what

what

1:02am

fictionalizing your own life

it’s not a story

1:02am

how is it not a story

1:03am

how is it not a story?

if you think too much about writing it

you won’t really be living

1:04am

i know this well

especially having a camera around

i wanted to write a lot more in canada

1:04am

yeah thats gay

1:04am

but

i realized that i wouldn’t actually be there

1:04am

stop being so pretentious with your viking lens

1:04am

o_O

1:04am

lol

1:04am

viking lens

lolol

man….

that’s always been me

1:05am

sorry i’m so harsh on you

i really do like you

1:05am

haha shut up

1:05am

i just think you’re way better than being concerned with how you come across in all the many facets of society

1:05am

i don’t care about your harshness

no

i don’t care about what people think

i just

1:06am

and you alwyas seem so absorbed in that kind of thing

1:06am

i’ve been thinking about my relationships with people…

yeah

okay listen

i feel like

i have no problems

1:06am

pshhhhh okay sure

1:06am

i mean not with myself

just like

i’ve had no tragedies

no like fatal flaws or

nothing drastic or painful

i feel like i’m missing out

well

that sounds dumb

but

maybe i’m being too careful..

everytime i’ve made a ‘mistake’ it was always a conscious decision to do so

fuck

i need to let go

A;LDFA;LSKDF

why am i a writer

these days i prefer being alone someplace where i don’t know anyone

i figure in a few years i will actually be far enough away from everyone i know

so i guess it’s okay to fuck up now

1:09am

you’re a pretty self absorbed writer

1:10am

ever since i can remember i’ve always put people before me.. that’s why i’ve become some weird sort of therapist but not because i think i’m good at giving advice

i just happen to put people before me

1:10am

ooooooohhhhk

whatever you say you do that because you rthink you are at least alrught at it

and it makes you feel good

1:11am

well of course because it makes them feel good first

i do things for invisible eyes. impress those who cannot even see

1:12am

sigh

1:12am

you should read milan kundera

he’s good

1:12am

you’re something else

1:12am

i’m kind of glad you put up with it

you are the strangest teacher i have ever had

1:12am

i think you should try being more mainstream

you need some solid grounding

1:13am

like z100

1:13am

instead of floating around like a balloon

1:13am

it’s nice up here

:3

keke

well

1:13am

its gay up there

1:13am

what should i start with

1:13am

i’m sure

try doing some work and finding out what it is you wouldnt mind doing for a long time

1:14am

like a hobby?

1:14am

not what you WANT to do for therest of your life

no

1:14am

oh

1:14am

you’re stuck in a world where you can write and draw what you wa way but maybe try thinking about what will actually happennt and live that

and figure out what you wouldn’t mind makinga life out of

then yo can settle into a really stable mindset

like even if thats not how it actually turns out

imagining yourself in a stiable realistic setting

creates some pretty amazingthoughts

1:16am

hmm

that sounds absurd

but

i will try it

actually that could be fun

oh wait

no fun

okay

well like

are we looking at my entire life?

or like a year?

1:17am

like

think about real life not whts in your head

shit

people live their lives everyday

1:18am

>___<

1:18am

why can;t you just figure out that your life is just what it is

1:18am

but i feel like i’m living..! i’ve felt alive more times than i can count

but i know that!

1:18am

stop searching beyond :P

1:18am

what if my life IS just like, weird?

1:18am

nah

i ascertain

you aren’t thattt speccial

just a lttle bit

1:19am

but from what i’ve experienced…

haha okay okay

i will try out this experiment

1:19am

its not an experiment

its what normal people do

and yeah yeah yeah

1:19am

normal people, blehghh

1:20am

you’re special

1:20am

;-;

1:20am

so is everyone esle

1:20am

speshul

okay

cool beans

1:20am

get down to living

that’s what i;m saying

if you spend all your time flaoting

your gonna be pretty disrriented

and at a loss

when you finally land

and realize you have bills to pay

1:22am

yeah.