Jiyun! I’m so happy to hear from you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, lately. I’ve been wondering how similar or how different our journeys have been, what you have been learning from others, what you’ve learned about yourself. I suppose you’re wondering the same about me! Well, I don’t mind sharing with you at all. :)

How have I been? Lately I have been very lonely. A bit lost, like a compass near a magnet. Struggling at times; feeling like I have no sense of purpose, no direction; mourning my lack of achievement. At the same time, I’ve already accepted all of these things to be part of my path. I’ll start from the beginning, and update you briefly.

From September 2013 to July 2014, I lived in Melbourne, Australia. My first day in Melbourne, I met an American boy named Devin at my hostel. We quickly became friends, and my life slowly started to flourish. I became very sexually active, confident, assertive and 100% extroverted. I learned about polyamory and practiced it, and allowed myself to be satiated by the fleeting pleasures in life.

In May 2014, Devin came back to Melbourne from South Australia (he had been making wine). He came to stay with me for a month, just to enjoy Melbourne before flying back to the USA. In that month, our platonic friendship organically blossomed into an intensely physical/emotionally intimate relationship. We unleashed the hedonists within ourselves and immersed ourselves in booze, marijuana, delicious food, film, and of course, sex. Lots and lots of sex. I taught myself how to reach multiple orgasms with him. In that time, I felt my grip on my casual sexual lifestyle slipping. I was falling in love– and it didn’t occur to me soon enough that it was just my brain chemicals. He didn’t feel the same, but I had to tell him.

Anyway, fast forward a few months. Devin is looking for housemates to move in with in Eastern Washington State while he goes to school to make wine. I, of course, smitten and idiotic, agreed to live with him. He was up for it. The summer swings by and i’m back in New Jersey, August. My feelings for him have not dwindled, despite all my efforts. (I had multiple lovers after him, I tried meditating, traveling, meeting new people etc). I could not stop loving him.

I drove 3,000 miles across the country, from New Jersey to Washington state, because I was in love. Also I wanted my car with me, but I would not have done the journey in five days if I was not in love. What a fool I am sometimes! (I also brought my cat with me on the ride!)

Everything fell to pieces when I got there; my expectations burned up before me. Not only did he lead me on all summer, but he wasn’t even interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with me because he felt more attached to his best female friend from high school. I had to endure being the third wheel with them; I was slowly suffocating from the pain of heartbreak. And then they decided to pursue a long distance relationship. They’re still in it now.

This kinda brings us up to speed. I’m living with Devin in a two bedroom apartment in the heart of Washington’s wine region, Walla Walla. It’s flat, and there are vineyards and the land stretches so, so far. The surrounding mountains look like mars. He and I get along pretty well. We’ve been completely honest and open with each other about everything, especially me and my feelings. I’ve surprisingly been very rational regarding my emotions these days. It’s nice. It’s safe. I’ve gotten over the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me, and i’ve accepted that life never turns out how you want it. No big deal. I remain untethered to anything. It’s a good thing. Mostly.

I have no friends here yet. No ‘real’ friends. It’s difficult living in a small town– everyone has their groups all set making it hard for an outsider to fit in. I feel myself slowly slipping into introversion, which would definitely help my writing. Which leads me to your next question.

Yes! I’ve been writing now more than I have before. I did keep five or so journals in Melbourne, but I have not typed those up yet. Those journals were full of little notes about people and places and stickers from concerts and other small things. No epic pieces or great poems. Lately I’ve been writing in my old blog (blast from the past!) http://www.claireanne.wordpress.com. I keep wanting to start a new blog, but I like the idea of having one, linear blog for years and years and years. Granted, i’m not writing anything extraordinary, but at least i’m producing.

I’m currently reading “The God of Small Things” By Arundhati Roy. I read a lot of the world news, articles of subjects that interest my mind. Like recently I had been reading up on the chemicals in the brain that control love, lust and attraction. How it works. How orgasms are compared to cocaine highs.

The person I was in Melbourne seems to be sitting at the polar opposite end of the spectrum from the woman typing this letter to you today. Lately I have been unattracted to men. Wary of their intentions. Distrusting of their company. Averted to their touch. I still crave sex, but not as often. The only times I have gotten horny recently are the times my ex-lover/housemate Devin will masturbate in his room and sigh and moan; I can hear it through the doorway. It’s a small place.

I’m an ENFP now, but my introversion seems to be resurfacing again. I loved who I was in Melbourne. I had friends all over the city, friends from all over the world. I’d go dancing so often. Take MDMA or ecstasy and dance until 7 AM. Couchsurf and host others. Talk to strangers, take craft classes, get lost on purpose. I was a people-junkie. I was living in a city of young people, in a place centered around music, culture, art,food and creativity. I thrived there. My sexual confidence blossomed and I had many lovers. I even had a threesome, with a Korean girl and an English boy. I learned so much about my body and other’s bodies. I hardly took any photographs; I was living in the moment so much.

I have receded. Probably because I have loved, then lost. But that is okay. As a collector of experiences, I see it as just another story to add to the books.

I’m trying to be less of a dreamer. I’m incorporating logic into my life. Not letting my emotions stir up storms inside of me. At the same time, now that i’m on the West coast, I am positive I am going to embark on some stranger journeys. Through Portland, San Francisco, down to San Diego. I’m trying to get my shit in order. I feel more driven to be committed, to a career and to a person.

I miss you very much. I can still feel your presence when I think about it. Us cuddling on my bed on a rainy day. Tell me about your life. How are you? What are your dreams lately? Are you in love, or what kind of relationships have you been in? Would you like to meet next year? Tell me stories.

I love you! Thanks for listening to me. Can’t wait to hear about your end.
Clairebear