When you start to feel jealous, or envious, or when you start comparing yourself to another person, you’re not going to have a great time. Being in an open relationship has many wonderful benefits, but considering that we were all conditioned to perceive relationships in a monogamous way, we all still retain a bit of that, and there’s no getting rid of it totally.
Some of those emotions include jealousy, envy and a general shitty feeling of comparing yourself to another person.
It takes a lot of time to train and hone your rational mind to be able to accept, then overcome these feelings.
For example, tonight I was talking to Z about him matching with a really cool, sexy chick on OKC. Apparently she is also a porn star! Being that I really care about him & his quest for connection, I was supportive. But this very tiny inkling of emotion crept up on me; the comparison, the icky feeling that emerges when you start thinking “Wow she’s way prettier than me,” or “Holy shit, she’s super kinky– i’m no where close to that level” or “What if they develop a super close romantic bond and by the time I visit, he won’t be as excited to hang out with me?!?”
All of those thoughts, totally irrational and unnecessary. First off, beauty is subjective. AND each person is beautiful in their own, unique way. I can say that I am an attractive woman, and I love my body and appreciate myself. In the past I have received validation from others regarding this, and I also affirm this within myself.
Then there’s comparing our sexual natures. It’s straight up useless. I already know how awesome and fulfilling sex is with Z, and for my sake, that’s all that matters. His sexual relationships with other people are for them to worry about, not me! Of course I want him to have fulfilling sexual relationships with other people! I want that for Todd, for Jeremy, and for the other partners I will have in the future. Just because Z or Todd may have mind-blowing sex with someone else, doesn’t mean he won’t want to have that with other folks.
And the last thing I mentioned, about worrying over how his relationships may develop: That’s out of my control, and I know it. It’s about letting go of that thought. We can’t predict how a relationship will develop and grow. I for sure had no idea that I would become closer friends with Z, let alone even be visiting him! What I do know, and what is in my control, is how I spend my time and energy when I am visiting him, and to keep in mind that although positive fantasies are, well, positive– they are just fantasies. Keeping my expectations low and level has been an obstacle for sure, but overall is extremely important in maintaining open-relationships because you just never know how a relationship will change. And they will change. And you can’t predict how they will change!
I wanted to write this all out because this for sure hasn’t been the first time I’ve felt like this, and won’t be the last. But it’s important I think for others to be able to read out my thought processes when I feel these specific feelings, as they are very common in relationships.
Feeling secure in a relationship is a challenge for a lot of people, but I think one of the biggest challenges is the acceptance that we don’t have control over the people we love, and we don’t have control over anyone else’s emotions, time, or how they choose to spend their time/energy.
All we can do is accept their love, energy and time as a gift when given, appreciate it, revel in it, and when it’s not around, start giving to others that you love back.
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