The Loneliest Monday (a shit poem/daily recap)

today was the loneliest monday.
it rained.
loneliness drove me to the pub.
the best part of this monday
was the two dollar mac and cheese,
with the sriracha on top.

five minutes left of the game,
i didn’t care. but my eyes kept wandering
to the screen like they were meant to.
truckers came and went.
i made eye contact with a chef with turquoise hair.

maybe they all stared while
i had my head in a book of short stories.
talked to a bored waitress about nothing.
it was all small-talk, anyway.

then, that foo fighters song you used to sing
came on, and i heard your voice in my head.
i cried when i got home;

curled up on the bed (i made the sheets)
in my pajamas,
in the dark,
and my cat, he curled up beside me too.
sometimes i wonder if he can recognize the sound
of a human sobbing, and what it means.

at the end of my nap in the grey afternoon
i wake from erotic dreams
psychology text books, and my best friend’s hands
running south along my body
and me sighing
writhing.

But this doesn’t happen in the real world
when mondays are sad.
in this world there is nothing but the rain
and empty bottles.

the happiness

I would want to be with someone for a long while and do really fun, impulsive and spontaneous things with them around the world before settling in a house. Maybe we wouldn’t even need to settle in one place. Everywhere we would go would be our home. We would have friends all over the globe. We would follow spring and summer and pick fruits and get by minimally, eat from the earth or from street vendors, rent leases for a few months or maybe a year in Istanbul first, then Budapest, Vienna, Prague. Amsterdam then Paris then Barcelona.

We’d have a painted van. Every person we meet could leave a sentence about themselves. Inside would be a nest of many pillows and blankets. We could do our laundry at forgotten streams in forests and ask the wind to dry it. From each place we’d collect what we both think embodies it best, then keep it in our van to decorate our next home with. Sometimes, instead of staying under a roof we’d drive out into the countryside, park the van and lay out a blanket under the open, starry sky and fall asleep under Summer’s spell. We would wake up with the sun and the fluttering butterflies and the birds and it would be just us, standing in the middle of a field dotted with flowers and obscure trees and we would be in love.

We’d send hand-made postcards to our friends. The Traveling Lovers. Our cameras would never leave our sides. We’d take pictures with strangers and pretend to own stray cats. Dance in the brightly lit alleyways of ancient cities at four a.m. Put flowers in mailboxes. Paint ourselves on abandoned buildings. Eat sweets on grand stoops. People watch everywhere. Leave our love letters in decrepit, untouched library books. We’d try every cup of coffee from every cafe in Paris. Have heart to hearts with drunken teenagers and 20-somethings like us off the street. Interview random people and jot down bits and pieces of their life. Find the place in the world we love the least. Throw public birthday parties for ourselves and invite passing strangers, even if it isn’t our birthdays. We’d write improvised children stories by using the drawings of children at the park, then set up a make-shift stage at sunset and read it to them on the soft grass.

We’d jump in puddles and cloud watch on mountains. Leave potted flowers in unconventional places. Sleep on beaches and count shooting stars before we sleep. Rent a boat and pretend to be sea-gypsies for a day. We’d exchange fortunes for a statement from each patron of their purpose on earth, bind it in a make-shift book and leave it on a bench at a train station.

We’d have no destination. The destination would never be important. All we needed was ourselves, our love and the ground beneath us (unless we were in the air flying or swimming). All we would need was that precise moment. A breath of fresh air, a gaze into the sky. We’d sit under big umbrellas in a rainstorm and read books. Pretend to be famous authors and give inspirational speeches in really crowded places.

When we get tired, we’d board a train that would travel for days, roll up in each others’ arms and fall asleep with the fantastic memories of the past few days and the uncertainty of the wonders that would come the next. We would wake up in a different town every time and flip a coin to decide whether or not to disembark or to keep on riding.

We’d work at vineyards for free just until we’ve earned one free bottle of wine. We’d keep those in the van, too. And we’d follow the cycle of the moon and have wine under its light. We could spend our summers in Norway or Sweden and take short naps in the short amount of time the sun is gone. In these northern cities, it would be daylight all the time. We’d photograph our shadows as it moves across the ground. We’d dance our way through White Night Festivals in St. Petersburg. We would make up festivals in small towns and ask others to join us. We would find the one place in the world where light does not pollute the sky and gaze into it throughout the night. We’d play music with the dancing Northern Lights. Become part of a traveling band of musicians or circus folk and talk about the troubles of elsewhere, and then laugh because we are here.

Take boats to tiny islands and bury treasure. Catch fresh fish and grill them on hot rocks. Watch the sunrise on the shore of eastern Panama and then the sunset in the west. Spend our days in shorts and sundresses in Medellin, Colombia, the Land of Eternal Spring-time.

ah, must finish this later.

cartographer of time: a poem

unraveling this world of mine; cartographer of time
within my mind i try to find our memory left behind
(the dark and empty rooms were full of incandescent eyes)

remembering the stretch of skin your fingertips defined
I wondered if the snow removed our footsteps from the pine
(my sense of time unraveling, our heads were unaligned)

the trees had bloomed too late that year, the cherry blossoms died
retreat into your homes! they said, and shut the window blinds
(the dark and empty rooms were full of children in disguise)

erase the sounds of coming dusk, the moaning and the sighs
Send all your children home tonight to sleep between the lies
(won’t you unravel me tonight, cartographer of time?)

i’ll mark the passing of the time along your rigid spine
count from one to nine, i say, and slowly shut your eyes
(the dark and empty rooms were full of sad, observant eyes)

become for me, a tangerine, a simple, sweet design
no legs to walk, no mouth to talk, no longer human-kind
so tell me tales of memories unraveled by your sight
the dark and empty rooms forever blackened by the night

Saul Bellow

I wonder when I will recover economically from my trip to the Philippines.

I am amazed at how much I enjoy cleaning. It’s crazy. I love cleaning, now. Maybe it was because I spent so much time watching older women clean their kitchens.

I started cooking with tofu. I don’t know what started it. Well maybe I do. Rita let me try this tofu stir-fry once and it was delicious, the chewiness of its texture and all the flavor it absorbed– she said she marinated it first. I defrosted a giant block of tofu tonight and cut it into tiny pieces and now they are all swimming in Korean BBQ sauce, oyster sauce, sesame oil, chili oil and ground pepper. I need to do some research on the frying of tofu. Perhaps I will make some broccoli and mushrooms with it tomorrow!

I borrowed three CDs from Colin: 1. Sufjan Stevens’ The Avalance, 2. BECK!’s Odelay, and The Strokes’ this is It. I want to listen to a new album each day. I need to remember to do this.

I’m writing poetry again (obviously.) I don’t know how I am doing, I think as I grew older I grew more critical of myself. Not a good thing, nope. I need to stop doing that.

I want to start drinking tea every day again, too. It’s good for us.

Back to cooking. I’ve been attempting to perfect a Massaman curry recipe. I got a tub of Massaman curry paste and it works wonders. I’ve already been to two potlucks in a week and a half and have made the same two dishes: the curry and vegetables in oyster sauce. Apparently I am a very good cook! If anything, this is my newest and most favorite hobby. I always look forward to cooking something new and delicious! I should start a food blog, shouldn’t I? Shouldn’t I?

I realized that I experience intense emotional ‘highs’ and conversely, extreme emotional ‘lows.’ When I hit those lows, the bright Autumnal world becomes dark and charred in an instant. I terrify myself sometimes. But that’s okay, right?

I apply to the JET Programme soon. And by soon I mean, soon. The window for application submissions close in two months. The applications haven’t been released yet, but Kyle and I have been waiting patiently for it. My only anxiety here is where we are to be placed.. and if we are to be placed together, or apart. Destiny being handled by random Japanese people.

I reunited with polarbear! Old news, I suppose but he/she/it is back from Paris!

Well, yeah. Another update on the going-ons here.

sleeping dog

Terrified of stifling him with my love. I just can’t help it. I just can’t. I’ve noticed that some people need a lot of alone time to “recharge.” I figured I would be one of those people, but i’ve tried, and failed. I realized that I thrive off of loving and being loved. It perpetuates itself in an imperfect fashion.

Today I woke up and decided to get Kyle roses. I drove to the Farmer’s Market on Route 1 South (my favorite one) and they had a fresh selection of rose bouquets for $6.99. I figured i’d pick one up for his mother as well. So I left with a bouquet of orange roses and a bouquet of yellow roses.

Kyle sleepily opened the door for me and I showed him the flowers. He was genuinely surprised! His mom wasn’t home, so we ended up arranging them inside a watering bucket. I cut the ends of Kyle’s roses and found a vase for them.

Later on, while we lay together, he looked into my eyes and thanked me for the flowers. My favorite color too, he said. He was confused at first because he only received flowers when he was sick. Nope, I told him, I just felt like it today!

His parents are having a bit of trouble with one another, unfortunately. I had to hear a lot of it from his mom. She was overjoyed to receive the roses– she had a bad fight last night with Chris and she really needed them, I could tell. She was in tears. I’m glad I got her flowers too.

I’m going to Boston tomorrow. I’m excited but also kind of tired. It’ll be nice to leave New Jersey again, though. Of course i’ll miss Kyle. He illuminates my life with such brilliant colors. I realized I forgot my film camera in New Brunswick, maybe i’ll purchase a few disposables?

Earlier we were wrapped up in one another and I told him that I would help him carry his burdens. He said I won’t ever ask you to. I want to, I replied.

And I do. I really do. Maybe I already do. I’m slowly patching things up with friends, some are going faster than others, which is nice. I’m figuring out that I’d rather travel alone or with Hope only. Kyle is my home.

I’m becoming less allergic to cats every day. I spend so much time with Spooty, Kyle’s cat! She’s a little over 1 years old and she’s AMAZING. She acts like a dog mostly, loves belly rubs and has a non-threatening tumor on her tummy. Such a cutie.

Other than that, i’m slowly moving into my apartment in New Brunswick, had a barbeque at Laura’s today, and that’s about it. Why has it been so hard to just write openly like this for the past year??