The Loneliest Monday (a shit poem/daily recap)

today was the loneliest monday.
it rained.
loneliness drove me to the pub.
the best part of this monday
was the two dollar mac and cheese,
with the sriracha on top.

five minutes left of the game,
i didn’t care. but my eyes kept wandering
to the screen like they were meant to.
truckers came and went.
i made eye contact with a chef with turquoise hair.

maybe they all stared while
i had my head in a book of short stories.
talked to a bored waitress about nothing.
it was all small-talk, anyway.

then, that foo fighters song you used to sing
came on, and i heard your voice in my head.
i cried when i got home;

curled up on the bed (i made the sheets)
in my pajamas,
in the dark,
and my cat, he curled up beside me too.
sometimes i wonder if he can recognize the sound
of a human sobbing, and what it means.

at the end of my nap in the grey afternoon
i wake from erotic dreams
psychology text books, and my best friend’s hands
running south along my body
and me sighing
writhing.

But this doesn’t happen in the real world
when mondays are sad.
in this world there is nothing but the rain
and empty bottles.

Sexual Famine: An Introduction

sex·u·al   fam·ine

ˈsekSH(əw)əl/      ˈfamən/

Would you like to hear a story brimming with hedonism, romantic disillusionment, adventure and a disappointed, sexually-frustrated narrator? No? Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway.

Once upon an autumn in May, a boy returned from the vineyard to the second largest city in Australia with the intent to live with his best girl-friend. They shared the same room, but slept in separate beds. What she thought at first to be a relaxing, platonic month with her visitor, turned out instead to be a rather significant and impactful period of time for her. And only her (she found out later.)

Night after night, the boy and the girl indulged in life’s sweetest, most elegant vices. The two of them drank classy Australian wines (sometimes imports) and craft beer. They smoked perfectly rolled joints and surrounded themselves in sound-scapes of music, smiling, stoned out of their minds. They relived myriad realities through many great films, and of course, filled their bellies with delicious food. Time did not exist when they were together. It merely dwindled.

On the night that changed everything, the boy had prepared a steak dinner with grilled potatoes, and mushrooms sauteed in chives on the side. The girl was ecstatic to come home each night, as he often cooked for them. They sat on her bedroom floor per usual, and drank a rich Malbec with their steak. It was perfect. After a joint or two, they put on the film, True Romance. As per usual, they sat up against the wall by her bed, and talked in the half-darkness. He told her about his best friend from home, and how he slept with her. How his friendships seem enriched after intimacy. The girl thought for a second, and realized that she was also his best friend. And she was feeling quite horny, as she had earlier contemplated to invite her English friend to her home just to fuck. She decided against it.

The girl then asked: So, technically I could just take advantage of you?
He said,
Well, yeah.

So it happened. Easy, right? They had sex on that chilly, autumn night after their succulent steak dinner, red wine, a joint and a good film.And they continued to have sex. Days upon days of pure hedonism. They got lost in each other’s bodies. The girl was pummeled with orgasms, multiplying hour by hour; him above her grinning and laughing as her body writhed in ultimate pleasure, her mind transcending their plane of existence; oxytocin feeding the brain like cocaine, hit after hit of endless pleasure. The girl made one mistake, however. She allowed herself to trust him wholly and completely. For some strange reason, she entrusted her body and her heart to him. Perhaps because she was so reminded of her previous relationship, that she let her guard down. Soon enough, her emotions became her weakness. She had fallen in love, and she knew it was going to be painful. But she did not anticipate how painful it would be.

Everything was on fast-forward then, and remained that way until the boy got on his plane back to America.
…To be continued…


Virgin Snow – A Short Story

She exits the bar into a midnight in January. Curtains of snow fill the crooked college streets like pulverized bones. The street lamps weep refracted light. Her peacock blue coat carries a scent of the cloves her friends smoked earlier. Frigid clouds of steam seep from her heaving lungs and flow past her red lips. The unraveling sidewalk shimmers a pale, white velvet.

A peculiar thought snakes its way into her mind:
What is it about the synonymous relation between the Virgin and fresh snow?

What about the Latin word, Virgo? A young woman. A young woman, colorless and unfamiliar with the pungent scent of passion blossoming. She frowned while thinking of the colorless girl and the life she must lead. How unfortunate it must be to be associated with frozen layers of precipitation. Then, her phone vibrates twice in her palm:

Are you coming home? I miss you.
It’s cold.

Distracted by the idea of her boyfriend’s warm body, she does not yet realize that the boots on her feet offer her no traction. She nearly slips, side-stepping to avoid a relentless crowd of scantily-clad women, blue-lipped and clutching at themselves. She takes a deep breath, the cold air stinging her lungs. For a brief moment she feels sober. She continues down the road, sensing her lust rise like heat.

She pictures her nakedness underneath the layers of clothing, skin emitting heat; flesh the temperature of 98.6 °F or something like that. She was but a young woman traversing alone, abandoned by the heat of the sun. Just like the Sputnik lost in orbit.

Her head is spinning; her feet are moving faster than her thoughts.

There is black ice beneath the virgin snow, you know,” the wind whispers into her reddening ear lobes.

She is too drunk to hear it. What happens next seems to have been caused by five things:
1. The amount of IPAs consumed
2. Her unusually quick walking pace
3. The traction-less boots on her feet
4. The weather.
And lastly,

5. Gravity.

Perhaps it was her inconsistent footing, or that she was walking too fast at exactly the wrong moment–
(How quickly it happened!)
Her line of vision thrown violently upwards–
elbows & knees rendered useless–
her fragile frame suspended in mid-air for a moment long enough for her to think, Shit!
The back of her skull hits the ice
and before her next thought, she’d recognized Gravity’s grip,
his big, inevitable hands pinning her down.

And boy, was it quick. Crowds of drunk and/or apathetic passer-byers ask if she is okay. If she needs a hand up.

No, no. Just leave me here. I want to lay here for a little. 

The ice soothes her skull. She sits up and the bucket of water on her shoulders sloshes backwards in pain concentrated on the point of impact. She runs her fingers along her scalp only to find a golf-ball sized lump filling with blood. A Mexican in a red pick-up truck rolls down his window and offers her a ride home.

Sure, she says.
I’ve got some ice in my kitchen, he says.
No, no. Just drop me off here. Yes, right here is fine. 
Are your friends home?
Duh.

She hops out of the truck and quickly stumbles to the door at the back of Kyle’s house.
She dials his number and says: I think I’m dying please open the door.

Kyle strokes her hair for a long time. She is laying on his bed, curled up. He gets her an ice pack for her skull. She is crying endlessly.

Kyle am I going to die? I’m dying. I’m dying. I think I’m dying, Kyle. Am I going to die? Oh God…

She is crying endlessly, as if all of the snow had melted. He cradles her with his warm body like a little child. The back of her skull pulsates and throbs with hot blood. He sings her a lullaby, the one his father used to sing, and she falls asleep in the blink of an eye.

Stepping Into Fire (a sestina)

“My nerves are turned on.
I hear them like musical instruments.
Where there was silence, the drums,
the strings are incurably playing.
You did this. Pure genius at work.
Darling, the composer has stepped into fire.”
— Anne Sexton

The streets I walk are laced alone with autumn.
Sanguine fruit, the glorious decay of day turned bittersweet;
I willingly bask in your absence, and there, I am insatiable.
I count the lovers after you. With seething eyes I watch them writhe.
Embraced by a naked darkness, I ask myself: Why can’t you flourish?
Already, I know the answer: they are not quite as succulent.

Embraced by a naked darkness, I ask myself: Why can’t you flourish,
Sanguine fruit, the glorious decay of day turned bittersweet;
Already, I know the answer: they are not quite as succulent.
I count the lovers after you. With seething eyes I watch them writhe.
I willingly bask in your absence, and there, I am insatiable.
The streets I walk are laced alone with autumn.

The Cavity of Absence or, Redefining Gravity

He left for the mountains in the Victorian countryside. A train and two hours brought him back to me. When you pine for someone or something, time willingly stretches itself to fill the cavity of absence. It is one of those things you possess, but do not always have. It is carved by companionship, by affection, and appears only when you are apart from something dear to you.

He was gone for four days.

In that time, I became a kind of fading daylight. A waning moon. I walked around to the back of the house and slipped the key into the lock. My hand on the doorknob to my room; the creak of its aging and there he was again, in my presence. We held each other for a little while, there in the center of my room. He rolled a joint for us and like rag dolls we lay half-entwined on my bed. Dreamy, white haze filled the space. We questioned our hunger and decided to take a walk to the cheap Vietnamese restaurant I had discovered. We carried the bags of take-away down Sydney Road. Our wrinkled palms, the sound of his voice after mine in the cold air. I smiled. The menu he gave me to keep was folded in my back pocket. On the wooden floor of my room we sat cross-legged, shoving our mouths with plastic forks and spoons. Coriander and red chili. Rice noodles. Bright orange julienned carrots. Little slivers of mushrooms. The door was left ajar.

“Should we shut the door?” I glanced at him, feeling my lust rise like heat.
“I don’t know. Should we?” He grinned with eyes of desire.

I stood up and pushed it shut. How eager he was. With my foot, I slid the containers of half-eaten food away from his mattress. I fell upon him with my lips and my tongue. His shoulders embraced me, the muscles contracting, harder it became. We had already undressed each other with our eyes and now, with our fingers. I had not even stripped bare and he was ready to consume me. He positioned my legs above his waist and pulled my body downward, now caught in his gravity.

I sigh and sigh, like blissful flames.
Our bellies were full. Our hunger,
satisfied.

The Wild Iris and My Brief History With Writing

Looking through the three poetry books you had recommended, I decided to commit to poet Louis Glück. I began to grow more and more fascinated with the names of flowers I had never heard of.  Within her collection titled The Wild Iris, Glück allows the voices of flowers, plants, weeds and trees to speak through her. These delicate voices are recorded by pen and ink. Recurring characters appear throughout the collection: two gardeners tending to the plants, picking weeds, who seem to be husband and wife. Another voice, the deity prayed to by the gardener, speaks omnisciently. Glück’s garden, a metaphor for her life, brings the reader unexpected elations and emotional downfalls—the first delicate saplings, an early bloom, weeds again and again, a too-soon death. Although the reader may initially be confused as to who is speaking in the poems, perhaps it was the intention of Glück all along. The landscape of this collection sticks relatively to the same format: concise language resulting in shorter lines (as little as one or two words) blended with more complex ideas hidden beneath, that leads to longer lines (as many as 11 words). The poems are aligned to the left of the page, 11 or 12 font, with only the title hovering above each page. The design is minimalist, clean and very easy to read through. She includes blocks of text without spacing, depending on the mood of the poem, and how she wants the reader to see and understand it.

As I began reading the first poem in the collection, The Wild Iris, it dawned on me that I did not know what a wild iris even looked like. So I took it upon myself to look at a photograph of each flower, plant or tree, which she selects as titles for her poems. I examined the flower first, then proceeded to read the poem.

The first poem in the collection, one of the most powerful of the bunch, grants a simple iris a voice:

“At the end of my suffering
there was a door.

Hear me out: that which you call death
I remember.

Overhead, noises, branches of the pine shifting.
Then nothing. The weak sun
flickered over the dry surface.

It is terrible to survive
as consciousness
buried in the dark earth.

Then it was over: that which you fear, being
a soul and unable
to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth
bending a little. And what I took to be
birds darting in the low shrubs.

You who do not remember
passage from the other world
I tell you I could speak again: whatever
returns from oblivion returns
to find voice:

from the center of my life came
a great fountain, deep blue
shadows on azure seawater” (Glück, 1).

The major themes of her collection are embedded and revealed in this gripping first poem. I believe one theme is death (as a metaphoric winter). Another two themes are rebirth and resurrection. And lastly, she presents the role of nature and how nature and humans recursively affect and inspire one another. The iris in this poem has survived the harsh winter as a bulb or rhizome. It emerges again in spring experiencing a vague sense of having lived a previous life of suffering, finally awaking from a deep slumber. I particularly loved the lines, “that which you fear, being a soul and unable to speak, ending abruptly, the stiff earth bending a little” (Glück). I felt as if I connected to this poem because I believe the essence of me is a soul possessing a temporary shell, only to return back to the ether one day.

As I begun to analyze the poems, I wondered: Do these flowers actually possess a voice in the writer’s reality? Were they intended to communicate with humans clearly, or are these lines merely thoughts and observations by a plant, watching from a distance? A potential answer may be found in the very next poem, the first in a series of Matins (a morning prayer, or the morning song of birds):

“. . . Noah says
depressives hate the spring, imbalance
between the inner and outer world. I make
another case—being depressed, yes, but in a sense passionately
attached to the living tree, my body
actually curled in the split trunk, almost at peace,
in the evening rain
almost able to feel
sap frothing and rising: Noah says this is
an error of depressives, identifying
with a tree whereas the happy heart
wanders the garden like a falling leaf, a figure for
the part, not the whole” (Glück, 2).

Here one of the gardeners speaks to a deity while simultaneously revealing to the reader her mental state and personality: the gardener (the speaker) is depressed and finds identifying with nature a suitable coping (or escape) mechanism. She projects herself—her consciousness, her soul—into various plants. Since Noah has told her she should instead think of herself as an entity detached from the rest of the world, he is most likely rebutting her theory that we all are smaller parts of a whole.

The second Matins paints the picture of the Garden of Eden. Eve suddenly acknowledges her swift mortality and feels abandoned by her “Unreachable father.” The realization of how tangible death has become in the gardener’s life becomes a recurring theme.

The next three poems, Trillium, Lamium, and Snowdrops, are beautiful pieces written in the perspective of those three specific flowers, poems that elaborate so beautifully and tragically the themes of death, despair, resurrection and memories of lives that had past in their own voices:

“When woke up I was in a forest. The dark
seemed natural, the sky through the pine trees
thick with many lights” (Trillium, 4).

. . .

“This is how you live when you have a cold heart.
As I do: in shadows, trailing over rock,
under the great maple trees” (Lamium, 5).

. . .

“…do you know what I was, how I lived? You know
what despair is; then
winter should have meaning for you.

I did not expect to survive,
earth suppressing me. I didn’t expect
to waken again, to feel
damp in the earth my body
able to respond again, remembering
after so long how to open again . . .” (Snowdrops, 6)

Upon the completion of Trillium, I was pleasantly surprised by the emotions spurring within me by those last lines:

“…I didn’t even know I felt grief
until that word came, until I felt
rain streaming from me” (Trillium, 4).

It was at that moment when I began to place myself into the world of smaller things. I wondered how it is to feel grief as rain streaming from my leaves. I began to contemplate the perspective of being a fragile flower, and wore this lens as I completed the book.

The next poem titled, Clear Morning, allows the reader to logically conclude that the entity of Morning has been personified and is speaking derived of the title, and also because her previous poems that had taken the perspective of flowers use similar first person points-of-view while addressing the gardener as “you.” What the reader actually hears in the poem, I think, is the voice of God, or some higher power.

“I’ve watched you long enough,
I can speak to you any way I like—

I’ve submitted to your preferences, observing patiently
the things you love, speaking

through vehicles only, in
details of earth, as you prefer,

tendrils
of blue clematis, light

of early evening—
you would never accept

a voice like mine, indifferent
to the objects you busily name…

I cannot go on
restricting myself to images

because you think it is your right
to dispute my meaning:

I am prepared now to force
clarity upon you” (Clear Morning, 7).

This particular God is a condescending, harsh and judgmental God. He is a representation of the jaded creator, didactic and scolding, detached yet still paternal. This God is tired of always hearing such meager human concerns. He is tired of speaking through “vehicles only,” yet He still conceals his true form as the Morning. Maybe this is a way for Glück to console herself; by creating her own image of an unforgiving God, by controlling His speech and His perspective, she regains control of what she ultimately cannot, in reality.

The rest of the collection continues in more or less narrative-style. The truth behind the story itself is unknown, with the exceptions of the detailed clarity of the weather and seasons changing in her world. As we read on, we see that God scolds the gardener, the plants and flowers begin to echo the gardener with arrogant demeanors, and the gardener begins to plead to God using plant-life analogies. Each aspect of nature (whether it is be a flower, a weed, a tree, or a time of day) takes turns speaking poem after poem, as if allowing each other input in a larger conversation. Ironically, amongst all this surreal verbal exchange, very little actual communication takes place. God hears the gardener but refuses to listen to her. The fragile flowers scream in agony, but the gardener turns a deaf ear. God bellows, but nobody hears him. Perhaps Glück never intended for these characters to communicate and learn from one another. I think her intention is to present the reader with multiple perspectives—puzzle pieces for the reader to piece together to discover the meaning behind her words. This is an aspect of her writing I can relate to.

I have been writing poetry for as long as I can remember. I always attributed writing poetry to being an outlet for what i’ve internalized. Writing and reading were my two escapes. I somewhat perceive my emotions to be these irrational and sometimes ambiguous and mysterious spirits—that manifest whenever they’d like—in order to possess my body for a span of time to cause brief hallucinations etc (kidding). As a result of this bizarre understanding between my feelings and me, I usually do not set out to write for any audience, only myself. So, my poems are never really easy to understand, straightforward, factual or concise. The heart (or truths) of my poetry tends hides behind the veil of subjectivity, behind metaphors and enigmas only I can understand—whereas the mindset I take on how I write non-fiction revolves around telling simple truths beautifully in my usual poetic tone of writing. The line between poetry and non-fiction is thin, depending on the individual. I refer to my non-fiction as poetic prose. Some would argue against that notion. Could I just rearrange and splice the lines, align them to the left and call it a poem? I could. But I don’t. Here are two examples:

(1) “We climb all seven-hundred steps to the peak of Mount Tapias and trace the scene of mountains and sea with hungry eyes. Greyscale clouds move over the islands just beyond ours; how fast are they going? we ask ourselves. We did not know they would pass so quickly above us: together we run beneath an over-flowing river; the torrent of rain through and through, the dark grey sky wrapping tightly around us. We descend the rocky cement hill, our soaked sandals splash past the dogs with sad eyes taking shelter beneath painted metal roofs.”

(2) “She wanted his eyes to ravage her entrails, scan her fleshy pink walls, know every inhale of palpable nerve endings and the exhales of her eyelashes, to map the infinitude of rivulets and streams sent by her rapidly beating organ. She desired fingertips. His fingertips. She wanted them to trace her. Scratch her. Mark her. To become the clay to transform in his palms. To be molded. Shaped. Torn and pressed together again. Torn and to remain torn. To get underneath his fingernails. To be eaten accidentally. To disintegrate and become part of the wind that will graze his hair. She wanted to feed the birds with her bits and pieces in liberation”

I do admire Glück’s voice: she uses simple language, is concise with her thoughts and ideas, and yet she manages to create an in-depth fantastical world, giving light to the hidden corners in nature that we humans take for granted. I try to do this with my non-fiction. Anaïs Nin sums it up for me: “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” What this means for me is that I expect my non-fiction to almost accurately tell the story of what actually happened, including the gritty details. What I felt. Who I saw or touched or smelled. I used to write about myself in the third-person perspective, as if I were that omnipresent God in Glück’s poetry, analyzing myself from afar, avoiding the internal.

My own literary lineage is derived mainly from fiction novels. I was always attracted to works related to magical realism—tales where mundane characters living in their cookie-cutter worlds are suddenly faced with supernatural events, too surreal and extraordinary for the characters to believe and yet, they somehow functioned seamlessly even with elements of magic and dream-like things. Two of my favorite authors is Murakami Haruki, a Japanese novelist/short-story writer and Milan Kundera, an exiled Czech writer. Their writing is both poetic and clear-cut; they tell their fictitious tales in beautiful and revealing manners.

I have been slowly working towards writing poetry that is revealing and straightforward, but I find difficulty having to expose myself. Perhaps the process of writing poetry is just another defense mechanism for my insecurities. Perhaps I should just take a risk sometime and just do it.