Chapter X: The day the Clouds Caught us

We climbed all seven-hundred steps to the peak of Mount Tapias and traced the scene of mountains and sea with hungry eyes. Greyscale clouds moved over the islands just beyond ours; how fast were they going, we asked ourselves. We did not know they would pass so quickly above us: together we ran beneath an over-flowing river, the torrent of rain through and through, the dark grey sky wrapped tightly around us. Descending the rocky cement hill, our soaked sandals splashed past the dogs with sad eyes taking shelter beneath painted metal roofs.

Through the gated wooden door, Tita Anabelle and Kuya Jhun were eating dinner by candle-light. Ka-in na! They waved to us and offered dinner. Since we arrived on the island, there were “brown outs” everyday. That’s that the locals called it. It’s what happens in the summers. The demand for electricity was too high. Kuya Jhun, my uncle, told us that he was good friends with the mayor, and asked her to spare their house from the brown outs. I don’t think we were ever spared.

Kyle and I shared a small room upstairs; it was their son, Buboy’s room. He moved to Manila to study pharmacology in the university. In it was a single, plastic chair, a small television set and an air-conditioner. There were pink curtains covering the single window. The room was still cold. We dried ourselves and lay together in the darkness.

The world outside sounded like millions of heavy, angry fingers rapping on the tin roof.

Reality and Existence

A blank
white
page.

One of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.
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I think that there are some things a human can do to discover ‘rips’ and ‘loopholes’ in reality. We assume that everything is its own, solid, and real stature, that what you hold is simply itself. But we forget that everything is composed of smaller things. Very, very tiny molecules and atoms. And they are constantly in motion. I believe these things can be manipulated. We trust our vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell because that is all we have. If they were taken away, how could we know anything existed? How would we know that we had more than just darkness and thoughts? Would we even be able to think without knowing language and not having use of any senses? Feelings would merely be the rushing of blood to the head or deep breaths or feeling facial muscles twist and contort themselves. Nothing would have a name. Happiness would not be called happiness, it would be  the feeling of something surging throughout  what your thoughts occupy.
But, as I was saying earlier, if the senses are manipulated (i.e. drug use, alcohol use, near death experiences, blacking out) then reality is manipulated as well. Our senses define reality. Without our senses we would not know what is real or not. Our definition of what is real is derived from our use of our senses and nothing more. Of course, thoughts have the power to manipulate too. Thoughts have control over what we see and can’t see–our imaginations. Our dreams. Desires. Fear. Our streams of consciousness are the beds that hold the rivers and streams of what humans perceive to be real and true.
If the entire world was put on shrooms, every single living being and creature if possible, and every creature witnessed the sky falling, who could say it was not really happening? Reality is composed of what we know and see, as I said. What human kind has seen since our arrival. But if we alter the visions of the people, with anything, drugs, whatever, then the seemingly tumbling sky would be reality. Even kissing– if every human were to kiss someone and feel that electricity and the lights start to fade in and out, if every human experiences that heightened state of being, then I think the essence of reality will bend to suit the mutual state of mind of the entire human race for the time being. This is why I believe reality is versatile. It’s the silly putty made of corn starch and water. Hard when stabbed, but soft when handled softly.

The only reason we have the set rules for what ‘reality’ is (like the sky is blue, mostly, grass is green, blood is red, we fall because of gravity) is because we constantly have proof of it from another witness. If two people existed on earth, alone, and one saw the sky as purple and the other saw it as yellow, who could we believe? If there were three people and the third also saw a yellow sky, then they would believe the sky is truly yellow, and shun the other person’s image. But who is still to say that the purple sky is non-existent? Who is to prove that things can and cannot exist, that the impossible are just things humans haven’t done yet. Things that are human created like problems, ‘life’, love, war, are all part of this versatile reality.

I would really like some opinions on this. I hope I make sense.

I feel like this day in July, two years ago.
:) Everything’s all better now. I was babysitting when he called me and when I hung up, I turned to Matthew and yelled, “I’m so happy!!” and he said, ‘why?’ and I said, ‘Because I missed someone, and he just called me.’

I really have to stop this overthinking I do. I can’t let my emotions take over all the time. The whole day I felt so, so.. miserable and worried over nothing. I guess I just missed him and I felt a little neglected. God. I need to get over myself. Haha.

I like helping people out with their relationship problems. I have a knack for it.
Now I have work to do.

:)

tout est possible

I’m definitely feeling better about everything.
All my friends know, ahaha. Even Ms. Thomas.. what the hell? Haha :)

The more I think about it (ironically) the more I feel confident about it.
He did seem very genuine about what he was saying… I don’t think he’s just ‘going around.’

Like, he was blatantly conscious about what he was saying:
We went into his house and we saw these really antique looking photographs on the walls. He pointed at this one of a very beautiful elegant lady in one of those poofy dresses and an umbrella, like in the 1800s. He joked saying that that was him when he was younger, and being his usually funny self, and after an hour when we were both getting cozy on that lawn chair, he “confessed” that it wasn’t really him in the photo lol then under his breath he said “Now you won’t trust anything I say ever again…” and those little comments hinted that he really cared what I thought of him. (I’m too freaking observant..even when I first met him)

Bea and Kate were.. freaking out when I told them about that night. Bea especially. She was squealing and being all cutesy.. she totally embarrassed me!! Then they freaking started talking about the BABIES we would make and how ADORABLE they would be, and I was like WHAT?! BABIES, WHAT THE HELL hahaha. They said our babies would have really red cheeks and .. small eyes? ahahaha. And for five minutes walking to class, they were just freaking out. They said we would be a good couple.

All my friends seem very content with this, me and him, I mean. Halli even says he’s “really friendly” and that’s coming from Halli.. i’m sure she’s not lying. And Jenna thinks we have a lot in common.

I really, really want to get to know him better: I feel like I can definitely find the things I really love about him and what I don’t like. I don’t necessarily look for flaws in guys I would potentially date, I just over-idealize. My expectations were just set too high. I don’t even mean that if he doesn’t meet them, I won’t consider him, I’m being unrealistic and my head’s up in the clouds. If I do think of him and me together, I could totally picture it. Autumn is now, falling leaves, slightly chilly days, beautiful scenery… and winter.. warm hoodies and blankets and hot chocolate and snow days, and bright stars and warm hands. :) And his cheeks! Haha.

And… light snow in New York City at night, with the skyscrapers and lights and the people. Couples. Cozy cafes. My mittens meeting his gloves. I can picture that. And.. it does make me happy.

(See! My over-active imagination dreaming up all this stuff. That’s what I mean.)

But now I feel like it would be weird if I called him. It’s not like i’m Jackie, able to go on real dates that I plan, I have freaking parents to worry about. Like, I feel like if I called him just to chat on the phone, it would be awkward now.. just because we haven’t even set up a basis for our friendship–relationship, yet. So, I just have to rely on my friends and them inviting him and me. :) I don’t mind that. I can’t be alone with him yet.

I didn’t realize this, but me refusing to kiss him two nights ago signifies that I’m not easy. I could’ve. Easily. Just a few more centimeters, I could have. But I said, “Not yet.” And he respected that.

But.. he’s not exactly looking for a relationship.
and.. I’m a senior. But even so.. I would really love a relationship. I want substance and.. love? I can’t think about love now because I hold love at such a high level. I expect Love to be something incredibly amazing and at this point I cannot hold him and Love at the same level, not even close. If I do, I will completely reject any feelings of him. I will reject him if I expect love.

I suppose that’s the root of all of this. All of my neutral feelings. The reason why I didn’t feel anything afterwards. Because I expected myself to just fall in love. I thought it could work that way.. but it can’t, Claire. Obviously there’s a long path ahead of me, and I only have the initial attraction. I don’t even know why the HELL I expected myself to fall in love or vise versa with Brian. That’s why my expectations were set so high that night, I wanted something INCREDIBLE to happen. I wanted fireworks to explode from my body. But again, I knew that couldn’t happen, only in movies, and I was temporarily neutralized. Sigh, silly Claire.

So that’s it. That’s everything.
Jackie says October is her favorite month. She says she goes wild. And, I suppose October brings a lot. The changing of seasons, hot to cold, one color to many colors. Coldness. Starting over.

I found something at the beginning of the summer. And now I’ve found something at the beginning of autumn. My life is.. going, and going.. and it amazes me.

I want him to take me on adventures and make my life exciting.
That’s what I want. Really. I want spontaneity. I want amazement and breath-taking experiences.
I want something life-changing. I want him to be life-changing.

Anyone has this potential, anyone. But I want it to be him. I was doubting him too, when I was feeling neutral, but I will look as hard as I can within him to find that spark. I suppose that’s my expectation. I expect something amazing. Is that too much, I wonder.

He held my hand, too. And I squeezed tight, after I refused the kiss. I squeezed tight to show that I didn’t want to let go of him just because of that. And the fire was dying. Rita tried to put it out, she tried so hard, but the flame kept jumping back up. And I smiled to myself and realized that that flame could resemble us. The embers were bright, and the dead flame came alive again. When we thought it was finally extinguished, another flame popped out of the embers. I smiled and knew that I should give this a chance.

Perhaps he will impress me.
Maybe I will impress him.
And.. anything is possible…. anything is possible. Anything is possible!

Knowing that makes me very happy.