I’ve grown stronger.
I walked out of the kitchen door and my dad called out to me. “Claire, come here and let’s talk about your future.”
I sat on the couch adjacent to him. I had a cup of cheerios in my hand.
“If you live in South Korea, what if North Korea starts a war with them. Did you know that North Korea has atomic bomb? They said they can pulverize South Korea in five minutes. They turn them into ash he said!”
“Then i’ll live in Japan.”
“Yes but you cannot go to Japan without knowing how to speak the Japanese! You cannot survive, how will you ask for the food?”
“I’ll learn the language when I get there.”
“NO!!! You have to take the language course in America first! You cannot learn it there.”
“But it’s easier to learn the language if you live–”
“NO! Aren’t there language course you want to take here?”
“Well, yes…”
“Okay then.
I don’t want you to fail me. Look at your brothers. I spent money on them for school and look at them, they failed. I don’t want you to fail me.”
“I won’t. I’m motivated. They aren’t.”
“What do you mean they’re not motivated? Jadam just has a part time job and I tell him to get a full time job and save money but he doesn’t.”
“I think he’s saving money. He’ll move out soon. I have a feeling.”
“No!! He’s not saving money, I saw his bank book he only has $400.00. He thinks he can live here his whole life. I don’t know what to do with them.”
“I don’t think he likes you very much.”
“Yes because I don’t like–i’m frustrated with him because he received low scores! I pay for his ACT and he still failed.”
“You should be encouraging! (I’m frustrated at this point. I can’t believe I wasn’t crying either) YOU PUT THEM DOWN. ”
“I put them down? Because they failed!”
“Well, CAN’T YOU SAY ‘GOOD JOB’ FOR ONCE?!? Look at my grades, they’re better and you can’t even say good job.”
“Because it’s not a good job! You have three A and three B. YOU’RE AVERAGE.”
“C is average, B is good–”
“NO, YOU HAVE 3 A AND 3 B, IT’S AVERAGE. That’s why you don’t get any scholarship, because you have average grades. You’re wasting your talent.
I’m going to pay for your schooling. Jadam and Michael already failed me. You’re the third one. If you fail me, you will see me hanging there. I will kill myself. (He walks away) Remember that. I will kill myself.”
(I’m swirling my spoon around) “Okay. I won’t fail you. I have goals in life.”
“So what do you think we should do with Jadam? He’s coming home, sneaking late, past 12.”
“I think you should try to be a better father. You should be nicer to him. You should be the best parent you can be because he is still your child.”
“Okay, so what if he fails me? Even if I reverse my psychology and let him go to a 4 year school, what if he fails me? I know he will fail again. He’s just working a part time job and doing Marijuana!”
“Well, the first thing you can do as a parent is to believe in him. Believe that he won’t fail. You have to have faith in him. His mom died…”
“So what? That’s not his fault. He’s abusing me! Like you too, abusing me. And you too, you come home at 11 and 12 o clock! You cannot do that!”
“But i’m not doing anything bad.”
“I know! But you cannot be out driving at 11 o clock..”
“I graduate soon, I won’t see my friends again. I’m trying to enjoy my childhood. And my grades are good. Obviously my grades aren’t being affected by me going out. I deserve something!”
“Then what do you want?! What freedom do you want?”
“My curfew.”
“Okay, you want to change your curfew? Then come home at 11 o clock on weekends. I don’t like you coming home at 6, 7, 8 on school nights. You have school early!”
“Oh. okay fine, I won’t.”
“What do you think we should do with Jadam? I keep telling him to go to night school but he doesn’t. HE HAS NO TALENT.”
“He does have talent!”
“What, You tell me, what talent does he have??”
“Artistic ability! He’s good at art.”
“So what, he goes to school for art? Then what?”
“Well, would you rather him live like this every day, or him going to school for art, at least he’s doing something with his life, not staying home. At least he is pursuing something.”
“Well I tell him to go to school but he doesn’t! I won’t pay for them if they just fail.”
“I think you should just try to encourage him. Find careers he can pursue. Help him.”
blah blah blah. Idk that’s most of it.
+ + +
That was the gist of it. Yeah. I was pretty blunt and straightforward. I finally said the things I’ve wanted to say. I just rubbed it in his face. My brother’s moving out in June. and my dad’s greedy. He doesn’t want to spend his money on me because he thinks i’ll fail. I’ll prove them wrong. He just kept saying how frustrated he was at my brothers.
It was so intense. I was so close to crying at one point but I didn’t. I finally faced him.
Fuck him, i’m stronger now.
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