women birds men bees

• What is a relationship? What makes two people decide to publicly state “In A Relationship With ____” on Facebook? Typically it begins with two people meeting or getting to know each other (somehow) then something within the both of them <clicks> and they (assumingly) begin to feel a ‘pull’ between them. They long to see one another more often and eventually become “physically” involved with one another. If there is great physical chemistry then that is a plus, and they continue on together. As time passes, they will both hope that the other cares / loves the other as much as they each exhibit (through words or acts of love, i.e. kissing, flowers, hand-written notes?) And this, in turn, produces happiness for the individual(s) and thus they continue to be “together” in a “relationship.”
• HOWEVER, it seems that in present society, more younger people are able to connect with other humans based solely on a physical level, minus that emotional connection and appear to be perfectly okay with that. Many relationships are born of this kind of interaction, one with a temporary fulfilling nature, if you will. Physical relationships tend to “burn out” quicker because of the lack of emotional support or nurturing.
• Some relationships are built and strengthened over time. These are mostly platonic, called a ‘friendship’, however the view of that platonism is usually one sided in the sense that hormones/libido/sex drive will cause natural urges. This relationship also includes the spending time/getting to know each other, getting to feel comfortable with each other and accepting each others flaws and personalities because they are friends and that’s what friends do. However, Physical attraction in this case is either non-existent, suppressed or even flaunted, but never or rarely acted upon, due to the mutual and unsaid “Platonic Promise” made to preserve the friendship. That (the platonic friendship), from experience, seems to be lost after feelings of lust and sexual impulses are initiated and acted upon. So, this generation is conditioned to think that intimacy, whether sexual or emotional, either destroys a friendship or permanently changes it for good. So in this kind of ‘relationship,’ animalistic tendencies are suppressed BUT the mutual nurturing and care of one another is still able to grow and become strengthened at the same time.
• Many are aware that emotional feelings (like crushes or quick flames) are fleeting, ephemeral and ever-changing. But, until a certain point of time or literal degree of physical separation, feelings of lust or the desire to be ‘closer’ to someone you care about is not as easily removable. So, as “friends” who have established genuine, caring and even loving relationships with one another, acts of physical intimacy, if they occur, transcends animalistic lust and instead, seems to be the ‘final step’ to becoming as close as one can be to another person. This can include sexual intercourse, but does not need to. Because these individuals have already opened up emotionally to one another (due to the trust and faithfulness built throughout their ‘platonic’ friendship), getting closer physically will feel “right” because both individuals know that they are truly accepted wholly by the other and that they share a deep love and understanding by the other. This extreme fondness they share for one another is another type of love that goes well beyond merely feeling sexually attracted to a person.

  BUT, these individuals are not, do not have to be or do not desire to be “in a relationship” with one another. So what are they?

• I suppose my mid-conclusion is, labels are fucking useless and there are infinite possibilities of combinations under the word “relationship.” Even being strangers with someone is a relationship.
• I believe that one of the highest degrees of closeness in any relationship or friendship is knowing that the significance of your being and presence in their life is known, appreciated and permanent in some degree. It is knowing that your significance to that person is not as malleable as other relationships that the individual shares with others. It is knowing that you have your own, true place in their heart and life. So even feelings of envy or jealousy are null and void in situations like this. It is impossible to be in a relationship with JUST one person! We are in MANY, (if you are a typical, social human being, that is.) “Love” and “caring” is not limited to one person just because it is publicly stated. We, as humans, have the ability to love and be close to many people or a select few. So, sure, my being “single” means that my sexual appetite will not be fulfilled as often as I would like, but emotionally, I love and am loved! What more do I need until I want to procreate? I don’t need to be physically close with someone; I would rather love and be loved. And knowing that I have that, I am happy.

it’s extraordinary

how tomorrow is the day of my senior prom. Really. It’s 2009 and in another fifteen days, half the year will be over. In another fifteen days, my blog will be two years old!
I’m very antsy right now; probably from thinking of how much fun afterprom will be. I’m just ecstatic that my father is letting me go! After that fight and the email my mother sent him, he’s been…softer, calmer. Of course he’ll occasionally frown at the idea of me being driven by my friend to Seaside at night, but I just smile at him and he doesn’t say anything.

Did I ever tell you I love to pack? Maybe because it means i’m leaving, going somewhere. Away from here. That’s probably why. Because it’s so easy for me to know what I need and don’t need.

I stayed afterschool today and just hang around with Thomas in her room. (Thomas: short for Ms. Thomas aka Hope Thomas aka Hope Stewart) We just updated each other on our lives and what our weekend plans are and how fast life is going for us.

She said, “I can remember just shopping for dresses and now i’m shopping for house windows!”

Did I mention that she’s buying a house in the town right over?

Oh! I’m just so excited for life! Here is what my dress looks like, by the way!

I’m not a leopard print kinda girl but when I saw this in the Philippines I was captivated.

Leo Love Horoscope

Go to: May 14 | May 15 | May 16 | May 17

May 16, 2009
You may be craving something romantic, but unless you break out of your current routine, you will be disappointed. Now is a good time to try something new and exciting.

New and exciting?! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE TOMORROW!

My Father

I’ve grown stronger.

I walked out of the kitchen door and my dad called out to me. “Claire, come here and let’s talk about your future.”

I sat on the couch adjacent to him. I had a cup of cheerios in my hand.
“If you live in South Korea, what if North Korea starts a war with them. Did you know that North Korea has atomic bomb? They said they can pulverize South Korea in five minutes. They turn them into ash he said!”

“Then i’ll live in Japan.”

“Yes but you cannot go to Japan without knowing how to speak the Japanese! You cannot survive, how will you ask for the food?”

“I’ll learn the language when I get there.”

“NO!!! You have to take the language course in America first! You cannot learn it there.”

“But it’s easier to learn the language if you live–”

“NO! Aren’t there language course you want to take here?”

“Well, yes…”

“Okay then.
I don’t want you to fail me. Look at your brothers. I spent money on them for school and look at them, they failed. I don’t want you to fail me.”

“I won’t. I’m motivated. They aren’t.”

“What do you mean they’re not motivated? Jadam just has a part time job and I tell him to get a full time job and save money but he doesn’t.”

“I think he’s saving money. He’ll move out soon. I have a feeling.”

“No!! He’s not saving money, I saw his bank book he only has $400.00. He thinks he can live here his whole life. I don’t know what to do with them.”

“I don’t think he likes you very much.”

“Yes because I don’t like–i’m frustrated with him because he received low scores! I pay for his ACT and he still failed.”

“You should be encouraging! (I’m frustrated at this point. I can’t believe I wasn’t crying either) YOU PUT THEM DOWN. ”

“I put them down? Because they failed!”

“Well, CAN’T YOU SAY ‘GOOD JOB’ FOR ONCE?!? Look at my grades, they’re better and you can’t even say good job.”

“Because it’s not a good job! You have three A and three B. YOU’RE AVERAGE.”

“C is average, B is good–”

“NO, YOU HAVE 3 A AND 3 B, IT’S AVERAGE. That’s why you don’t get any scholarship, because you have average grades. You’re wasting your talent.
I’m going to pay for your schooling. Jadam and Michael already failed me. You’re the third one. If you fail me, you will see me hanging there. I will kill myself. (He walks away) Remember that. I will kill myself.”

(I’m swirling my spoon around) “Okay. I won’t fail you. I have goals in life.”

“So what do you think we should do with Jadam? He’s coming home, sneaking late, past 12.”

“I think you should try to be a better father. You should be nicer to him. You should be the best parent you can be because he is still your child.”

“Okay, so what if he fails me? Even if I reverse my psychology and let him go to a 4 year school, what if he fails me? I know he will fail again. He’s just working a part time job and doing Marijuana!”

“Well, the first thing you can do as a parent is to believe in him. Believe that he won’t fail. You have to have faith in him. His mom died…”

“So what? That’s not his fault. He’s abusing me! Like you too, abusing me. And you too, you come home at 11 and 12 o clock! You cannot do that!”

“But i’m not doing anything bad.”

“I know! But you cannot be out driving at 11 o clock..”

“I graduate soon, I won’t see my friends again. I’m trying to enjoy my childhood. And my grades are good. Obviously my grades aren’t being affected by me going out. I deserve something!”

“Then what do you want?! What freedom do you want?”

“My curfew.”

“Okay, you want to change your curfew? Then come home at 11 o clock on weekends. I don’t like you coming home at 6, 7, 8 on school nights. You have school early!”

“Oh. okay fine, I won’t.”

“What do you think we should do with Jadam? I keep telling him to go to night school but he doesn’t. HE HAS NO TALENT.”

“He does have talent!”

“What, You tell me, what talent does he have??”

“Artistic ability! He’s good at art.”

“So what, he goes to school for art? Then what?”

“Well, would you rather him live like this every day, or him going to school for art, at least he’s doing something with his life, not staying home. At least he is pursuing something.”

“Well I tell him to go to school but he doesn’t! I won’t pay for them if they just fail.”

“I think you should just try to encourage him. Find careers he can pursue. Help him.”

blah blah blah. Idk that’s most of it.

+ + +

That was the gist of it. Yeah. I was pretty blunt and straightforward. I finally said the things I’ve wanted to say. I just rubbed it in his face. My brother’s moving out in June. and my dad’s greedy. He doesn’t want to spend his money on me because he thinks i’ll fail. I’ll prove them wrong. He just kept saying how frustrated he was at my brothers.

It was so intense. I was so close to crying at one point but I didn’t. I finally faced him.

Fuck him, i’m stronger now.

pinky

This makes me SO HAPPY.
I feel happy! :) Yay yay yay
Japanese Maple. Sigh. Its branches are like veins…

+ + +

SO,
It’s finalized! I’m skipping 12th period tomorrow and
am going to spend the whole afternoon with Brian.
Hopefully he will be able to come to Jackie’s.
If not, hopefully Marion’s will be going on on Saturday. :) :) :)
Then he can come to that!

I was actually supposed to see him today, but he called
and said he only has an hour…
and we couldn’t think of something to do on a
cold and rainy Thursday night for 45 minutes.
He apologized for being so busy and out all the time and
I told him not to worry, that he has a life and I have school and it’s okay. :)

I WANT THIS CAT
I WANT TO CLONE IT
WITH ITS CLOTHES ON. AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

:) :)
It’s happening again,
the incredible jumpy feeling I get when my phone rings
and the intense anticipation of looking at the caller ID.
It’s such a rush, and i’m so happy it’s back again. :)

+++
A’s and B’s on my report card!!!!!!
THAT MEANS I CAN TELL MY
DAD TO EFF OFF! HELL YEAH.

Even though you weren’t the only one, two, three, four

What a night! I declare.
+++
I just arrived home from Marion’s house party.
It was my first one there. :) And I was happy that it wasn’t just our group, there was everyone. Well, mixes of people. And I thought it was kinda cool.

And Brian came too :)
I’m incredibly happy about the progress we made tonight. We spent most of the night talking.. while slightly under the influence, either ways.
Even so, we had great conversations. And we really are alike. In many ways. Even.. mentally / psychologically. Our love for small children and hugging pillows and travel and art.. and he even has an art wall in his room too! :)

The whole night
I wanted to just grab a hold of his arm and hug it and cuddle.
Or at least hold his hand.

We all stood outside in the cold,
me, barefoot.
My dress and stockings did nothing to protect me
and I just wanted to hug him.

We did hug goodbye.. twice. Extended hugs. I just wanted to keep hugging him.
We both could totally just take naps with each other.
And I love the color of his eyes, paired perfectly with his rosy cheeks.
And he’s so huggable.
eeeeeeeeee.

And.. most importantly.. he loves Fooly Cooly too. I was so, so happy to hear that.
I really am so happy about all of this. Every time we hang out I like him a little more.

Tomorrow around noon, him and I are going to explore awesome places.. with graffiti and art and industrial abandoned areas and take photographs. I’m really excited to see him again. And.. I love how he reassured me that he won’t make me do anything tomorrow. I really truly appreciate that.

Then, babysitting at 6.
Gettin’ paid! Maybe i’ll call Brian during that. :)

Lalala~ I’m happyyy.

And phone call with Jiyun!
I had a dream she and Reem came to my house and had parties.. it was awesome. Jiyun and I were acting like sisters, seriously. I gotta tell her.

eeeeeeeeee. :)

alone

:) Pre-M syndroming. I can feel it. I can’t sit still, I can’t stop thinking about certain people, my emotions are intensified x 10000, I get irratible and pissy sometimes. And all this shit is happening with my dad, how he’s accusing me of ‘sneaking’ around with boys without telling anyone, how he’s so bitter and angry and not understanding.

I had to tell him I was at the mall. I couldn’t even say “Joe’s house” because Joe is a guy’s name. I was playing video games for four hours, Jesus. I could’ve been out there doing worse things, but instead, I was eating oreos and playing video games. I can’t stand it.

My mother talked to him, said, “They (my sister and I) ask you anyway and you say No.”
He says, “YES I’LL SAY NO.”  I sneak because he says no. It’s his own fault.

And my cousins are out of the country. I can’t call them. Who can I call then?
Paul is away on aim, Jiyun is home…

I hate this.